What Goes In Must Come Out

Good news. So far, so good on "The Budget" (also referred to as "the Financial Integrity Plan", "that Pesky Budget", or "G*d D*mn Financial Integrity" depending on my mood). Interesting things are surfacing as I carefully consider whether I want it, need it, and or just think it will solve all my problems (or all three).

First off, I've been discovering and valuing the expanding potential of things already available to me like the library, free podcasts, places within walking distance from my house (instead of driving), and additional services my health insurance already covers. I really do have so much already.

But which other new things that I feel the urge to buy do I really need to bring into my life, fridge, closet, etc? This consideration has begun to feel similar to my obsessive-compulsive planning for backpacking trips or emergency preparedness. It is liberating to realize how little we really need to survive. It's the line between need and want is tricky. For example: I need food, but what food do I need? I NEED to give myself enough of what I want, or the whole thing collapses into destructive behavior again. Meet my friend Delicate Balance.

So how do I maintain that balance I've worked so hard to learn and still cut back on spending? In the past, I've tried things like going to the Grocery Outlet and cheap clothing stores, but I can't handle the low quality of the products and the low energy of the surroundings. I may not need a lot, but I need to love it, enjoy it, and value it for it to be satisfying. (The curse of having discerning taste?!) So one answer I turn to the farmers market. It is fresh, seasonal, and local (and sticks-it-to-the-man a little). It represents the values I hold but haven't necessarily been acting on.

What I didn't expect was that my brain has also become really interested in what is going out of my life as well as what's coming in. What am I leaving in my wake? All the garbage, packaging materials, junk mail, etc. coming from my house feels so unnecessary and unfortunate. And when I choose the food I buy so carefully, it feels like such a loss for it to go to waste. So suddenly I'm even more motivated to think more, to buy things with less packaging, to bring my own bags, to make sure to compost, etc.

A natural broader desire to live with more integrity continues to grow - a welcome relief from fighting myself to try to do all the things I "should" do to be a better person. Strange (and lucky), but true. For now.

Balancing My Checkbook

So the most recent Chaos seems to have shoved one last skeleton out into the light. Apparently, my relatively destructive relationship with Money is no longer allowed to stay hidden, most of all from myself.

While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).

So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.

I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.

I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.

I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.

But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.

So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.

Let me know if you have any secrets.

Chaos and the Dancing Star

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Chaos has been swirling.
Back with a vengeance.
Playing a familiar old tug-of-war.

Defeated.
Convinced I am defective.
Desperate to be oblivious to these depths.
(Why can't I just be normal?!)

After a good while in battle,
Something starts working itself to the surface.
Chaos has knocked it loose.
To help me shed something destructive that I've clung to
for the illusion of safety.

When I'm ready to turn the corner,
I catch a glimpse of Hope.
I begin to lean forward.
And timidly reach out.

Life never feels quite as valuable
as in those moments
on the other side of Despair.
When my heart is freshly open.
And I understand that it is through shadow
that I know light.