Companion

I have a new love in my life! He is kind of high maintenance and a huge commitment, but playful, cuddly, and so handsome.

He's a young golden mix rescued as a stray - with NO training to speak of. So he has some communication, impulse, and abandonment issues. But who am I to judge?!

I had the kids at school suggest names and got a whole bunch of fabulous ideas. Then on one of our first walks together, my "This American Life" podcast mentioned Bacon County, GA named after Senator Augustus Octavius Bacon, and his fate was sealed. So welcome to the family: Agustus Octavius Bing-Crosby Duke Teddy Pineapple Noodle Luke-Skywalker Fredsterly Kozmo Fuzzy-Wuzzy Zonker Coolio Colonel-Smarty-Pants Bob-Barker Lucky Bacon. 

Though we will just call him Gus. Maybe Gus-Gus for short.

...and working on training him to high five.

Let the Diamonds Sparkle Anyway

I surrender. I am too tired and sensitive for this.
Life is too short to give so much energy to what you think may be missing.

How about trying to focus on what I do have, rather than what I don't?!
Maybe embrace all the kinds of love that are already in my life.

If/when I find a partner, lovely. But I can't seem to work up the energy to put in any more effort at the moment. And I'm actually pretty content in my little life at the moment.

Recently, my parents were changing safety deposit boxes and brought out the diamond ring my grandmother left me. I had always figured that someday I'd use it to make an engagement ring. But I tried it on, and I felt suddenly much more adult - like at least my hands were now more equal with the women who get to wear the expensive sparkly badge of being loved.

I decided to just start wearing it on my right hand. I added a little purple to make it more "me" and hopefully a little less engagement-y. Yes, now at first glance my hand might communicate "not available" to men, but hopefully just to those who don't know their right from their left and/or who aren't interested enough to stick around for a minute and find out.

Enough with the waiting.

Alien Abduction?

Just when I was so proud to be brave enough to try again...
He disappeared. Poof. Into thin air.

So, what are you supposed to do with that? Was I dumped? Should I be hurt? Did something happen to him? Should I be worried? Is he really so scared to face me? Should I feel compassion for him? Or is he dead?! Should I call hospitals?

Once I decide it was most likely that I was dumped... and I go through some good old-fashioned self-doubt and hurt... and then some hearty fury... I move into complete dating surrender. Pretty sure dating is in NO way worth it. I decide I am DONE. Finito. Fertig. Finis. Over it.

(Until, luckily a cute guy at Lulu Lemon who writes his grandma every week started to snap me out of such drastic thinking...)

We had often discussed our mutual experience with depression and battle with the accompanying instinct to withdraw from the world. So I am hoping it is safe to assume he retreated (not died) - either to avoid a difficult conversation or to avoid the world in general - 'cause I'd feel bad about being so hurt and angry if it turned out something actually happened to him.

But then, upon remembering his openness to the possibility of extraterrestrial life...

Maybe they came for him?!

Snakes vs. Aliens

So, you know those great newly-dating flowing conversations about everything and nothing? When you dig into life, love, dreams, greater purpose, etc. and find out all sorts of things about the person for the first time? I love those conversations.

But what do you do when those great conversations veer towards an admission of serious belief in, um... extraterrestrial beings?!

He actually has some great arguments based on historical and scientific research. And the fact that his mind is so open to other ways of seeing things is very attractive to me. And he is aware of how absurd it all sounds to most people.

But I feel a little like it's the snakes all over again. I mean, I want to be open minded and not make rash judgments.

But aliens?!

How Skinny is Too Skinny?

I've always said I can't date a guy who wears smaller jeans than me. Sorry, my fragile body image can't handle being the larger one in the relationship - I need to feel feminine and attractive, so smaller - right? Not that I would ever judge people by appearances (ha!). And not that I would be at all horrified if a guy judged me by those kinds of superficial standards.

So by any chance am I finally mature enough to put happiness over body issues? 'Cause his jeans are definitely smaller.

A friend said something to me a while ago that I have been mulling over. She said she likes me at my current weight better than when I'm thinner - this weight "suits me better". Huh.

More surprising to me than the comment itself was my reaction to it. First, I let myself consider what it might be like to believe her for a moment. Then, I became confused about why I'd never even considered that possibility for myself before.

Um, duh? At some point didn't we decide something about thinness and an unhealthy illusion concocted and perpetuated by inauthentic popular culture? And about the endless pursuit to be thinner actually being a misplaced attempt to cover up deeper emotional needs? I actually do prefer women's bodies that have some softness and curve. And I would whole-heartedly argue that a healthy well-balanced internal and external life leads to a healthy well-balanced body - and that weight, whatever it is, is when someone is most attractive.

But somehow I'm still sure I'd be happier if I were just one size smaller and if everyone stayed on their side of stereotypical gender body norms. Nice.

Luckily for now, he has found ways to express his appreciation for the curves...

What kind of guitar do you have?

So I had an introduction. I walked into a party and my friend got excited and started saying, "Where's Mike? Where's Mike?" I responded, "Uh, who's Mike?" Apparently, Mike is her coworker who she thinks I should date, and her not-so-subtle way to communicate this is to talk to me about it loudly while pointing directly at him. Then, she goes across the room to him, talks excitedly in his ear, and gestures directly at me. Totally not obvious at all. No pressure.

Other folks at the party get in on scheming about how to make this happen. Finally, my friend's husband suddenly yells over to him, "Mike, what kind of guitar do you have?"

Nice. Awkward "guitar" conversation ensues while we all pretend to take this pretense seriously.

But then we relax, the others slip away, and real conversation begins...

Gun Shy

I saw this pendant on etsy recently and was a little worried by how much I loved it...












This winter, one of my fabulous single friends (one of the two, that is...) hatched a plan for us to follow directions from the book "Love in 90 Days" to get back up on the horse. It sounded like something that I would usually be up for (embracing how silly it might be). Yet for some reason I couldn't get myself to even crack the book when it came from the library. (She had told me that the author made you start by saying "hello" to 5 guys, and that was too much for me.)

I've spent the nine months since the end of my last romantic entanglement feeling like dating was the last thing I wanted to do, even though I wanted to want to - feeling like the last outsider at baby shower after baby shower, but powerless to even take a first step anywhere near that road. The only flutters I've even felt have been in completely unlikely or unwise circumstances. I may be guarding my heart from anything that could be real, i.e. anything that could actually hurt. Again.

And I seem to have even gained some weight back to make sure to keep them away.

But the good news is actually that I'm feeling like I might be able to stand to consider trying it again - if and when an opportunity arises. Maybe.

The Trouble With Trouble

You should be very proud of me. My librarian friend's nephew was laying it on thick at her birthday party (i.e. When was I going to let him take me out to dinner? Wasn't I going to stick around for the rest of the evening?). He was plenty cute, ridiculously funny, and the chemistry was definitely ON. But I happen to have enough insider information from hours on the ski lift with his aunt to know that he's definitely not what I'm looking for. At least not right now, if ever. Yet I felt this irrational pull to abandon principle and responsibility by staying and indulging.

Somehow I managed to drag myself away, though a lot more reluctantly than I'd like to admit. Luckily, I had help from a friend who saw exactly what was going on and reminded me to "aim higher".

A little electricity and I'm ready to dive head-first straight into bad decisions? I've been down that very road more than a few times now, and there's no way I don't get caught up and/or end up with an awkward related-to-a-beloved-coworker hangover.  But bad decisions can sometimes be so cleverly disguised... as our Middle School director reminds us, "The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun."

But the Nephew knows where to find me if he really wants to. C'mon, there are certainly worse ways to pass the time... right?! I still remember fondly the fabulous bad decision who I called "Capital T." to his face (you know, the "T that rhymes with P that stands for pool.") And that turned out fine. After I recovered from the day I couldn't stop crying...

Things that make me happy...

Of all the many open parking spots in the lot, the other Ruby Sue owner chose to park right next to me! (Something I would totally do.)















I didn't have time to stick around and see who the other owner was, but their car was a little messy inside, so I'm kind of hoping it was just a kindred spirit and not actually supposed to be my soul mate - I have enough trouble keeping my own Ruby Sue clean.

Not the Flirt I May Appear to Be

I happened upon a women's "Couch to 5K" running class out of a running store by Greenlake one Thursday night recently, I decided it was serendipitous, and I joined in right there. I figured I've laid some solid ground work on the "couch" part and could use a little push to get going. I don't make that many spontaneous decisions, but the instructor is wonderful, and the group of women is a great mix of ages and athletic ability. It seemed like just what I needed.

I was walking in the door for the second week of class when I heard a voice say my name. Low and behold, it's an old friend from college (who I very briefly dated and) who I haven't seen for at least ten years. So I stayed outside to catch up with him (has a girlfriend, btw). Little did I know that inside the store they were voraciously teasing me for ditching class to flirt with a boy. When I finally got inside, I realized what was going on, turned an appropriate shade of red, and tried to justify my actions to the crowd. I hadn't seen him in years! I didn't know he even lived here! When the subject came up again later on Facebook, I tried to explain that while I am not above ditching class to flirt with a cute boy, that wasn't what was happening!

I made sure to get there on time the next week to avoid any further abuse. And all was going well until our half-way break, when who walks up but the Banker and his dog?! So of course I had to say hello to them! It seemed like an appropriate time since we were stopped and waiting for others to catch up. But apparently I was so wrapped up in my conversation with him I didn't realize the instructor was trying to get us going again...

I was just being friendly, I swear. But I think this is how you get a reputation.