Back On The Market

It's official. The saga of "the Trader Joe's Guy" has come to an end. After an roller coaster ride together, we have decided to part ways.

I'm sad. I really did like him, even though it became obvious that not enough fit for a long haul. Every once in a while when we were out in the world together, I saw strangers who seemed to have what I want, and my heart ached. So I not-so-gracefully withdrew and avoided him as I tried to change how I was feeling, which was cowardly and hurtful and made everything worse. In the end, I had to give in and admit that what I really wanted wasn't what was in front of me - as much as I wanted to want what was in front of me. And I am so sad that I hurt someone.

I'm angry. Angry and hurt and sad. About the way we parted. I was reminded that you can see a whole new part of a person when they are hurt. If we are like most people, we instinctively just create hurt in return. It's those talented few who can open their heart up big enough to hold everyone's pain in that moment. It's the latter that I'd recommend thinking hard before parting ways with. The former certainly makes it easier to let go.

I'm confused. Angry at the universe. What was that?! He seemed to have been dropped in my lap for some reason. But I haven't been able to figured out exactly why. I am desperately clinging to the hope that there is a reason why, so I can continue to believe that there is some order in this crazy universe. I can't bare to face a world without healing forces nudging us towards growth and leading us to all forms of love, if we pay attention.

I do feel some relief. It was so hard to admit it wasn't working, and I hate the person I was acting like while I was so conflicted. After all the raw emotion fades, I think I will remember him as the bright flash that he was. A stroke of fate. A lesson on savoring the moment. And super yummy while it lasted.