Long Time No Blog

No need for public introspection in the last month? Unlikely. More like I stopped being able to steal high speed internet from my neighbor and have been banished to the realm of DIAL UP. And I've been using Facebook for my virtual social interaction (at least that's slightly more two-directional, right?!). But lucky for you, the impulse to pour my heart out on the internet has flared up again.

Since I've been gone...

Budget: pretty darn good still. Amazingly. How glad am I to already be on the right track when things like suddenly have to move and global economic crisis hit?! And I actually feel like I have more money now, by knowing how much I actually have. Though, I still often wish "how much I have" was more...

Food: lovin' cooking things from the Farmers Market. Slowly building my competence and confidence in the kitchen. Did you know you can turn on the oven to 400 degrees, spritz with a little olive oil and salt and pepper, and roast just about any vegetable to perfection? Just a matter of knowing when it's best to pull it out. Why didn't someone tell me that earlier?!

Health/Fitness: looking into it. Not loving the post-injury waistline. Not cute - even when we call it the "sympathy bump" for one of my best friends who is pregnant.Goin' easy on the knee; still frustratingly temperamental. Played some volleyball OK last week. Yay.

Love Life: sucks. Pulling myself together after some quality time only being attracted to people I can't or shouldn't have. Apparently, I refuse to pursue the one lead on a possibly mature adult I've gotten - yet, I reserve the right to complain.

Moving Shock: recovering and adjusting. Big News... I'm moving into my parents' house. My parents have pretty much moved out to the beach full time, so their cute little house sits empty. They've offered to move out of the main part of the house and just use a bedroom in the basement via the downstairs door for if/when they do want to stay in town. Will it be a safe refuge while I get my own "house" in order? Or opening an old can of worms?! We'll see. Maybe both. Luckily, I have until the end of November to actually move.

Current state of mind: hangin' in there. It's that time of year when everything/one starts getting crazy busy - all the while talking about needing S.A.D. lights for our Seattle depression. (I already have one, btw.) I've started living on Emergen-C to try to avoid the munchkin germs.

And the instinct to turn inward for the winter has begun.

Rug Pulled Out

My landlord is selling my house. My beautiful little house in the trees. With the secret staircase to the studio/sewing room. And the tool bench. And the Catrium. (I can't bare the loss this means for the kitties.) My beautiful little house close enough to ride my bike to work on sunny days and walk to the Farmers Market. The little house that I rent for way less than should be possible. The little house that made me feel like I had room to breathe.

And the news came at a particularly bad moment when I was already teetering on the edge of losing it, mourning other loss and disappointment.

Suddenly, all I see is injustice. There is no way I can ever find anything comparable in the same price-range. At least nothing I'd want to live in. I'll end up in a dark cramped basement. My cats will hate me even more than they already do. And all my work on my budget will be blown. I won't have enough to live on. I'll plunge back into debt. I will never get ahead. And why me? I don't want to have to pack up my entire house and move right now! Why do I even try? Or so the Chicken Little in my head tells me.

After a generous amount of denial, tears, and wishing reality was different, the news is settling in. I am adjusting. I have at least two months. More if it doesn't sell right away. Maybe it is time for change.

Farewell Catrium...

Greatest Love, Biggest Fear

It's been a while, but I finally got back out there.














I was ready for it. Mountains. Trees. Waterfalls. Wildflowers. Little scurrying friends. (Luring them with our best marmot impressions.) Views so wide you can breath deeper than you knew possible.

Except for the good old-fashioned panic attack in the middle of the first night when I woke up and freaked out that I was in the dark woods without walls to protect me from boogie-men. Vulnerable and exposed in the big dark unknown. But that's why you have best friends who you can show all the dark corners of your soul to. Who have seemingly limitless patience right when you need it, even in the middle of the freakin' night. Who tell you funny stories until the tranquilizers kick in.

So continues my battle to not be held prisoner by fear of the dark. Determined not to let my love for being outside be taken away my fear of being outside.

Even after living through a nightmarish visit from my own private demons, morning always feels fresh again. Thank god. We set out on what was supposed to be a relatively good, but super easy day hike (trying to be easy on my knee), but we slightly misinterpreted the hike description and serendipitously ended up in THE most beautiful picnic spot I've ever seen. We ended up with a 360 degree view of Baker, Shuksan, and other peaks all around us. Magical.

Later we tried to figure out how the Yellow Aster Butte trail head could have dared to actually lead us to a place called Yellow Aster Butte instead of the other place called Twin Lakes that we thought we wanted to see. Yes, we are that stupid sometimes. And that lucky.

Screaming Like a Girl

I've always thought of myself as the kind of girl who is made of sugar and spice but also keeps her cool in the face of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. A thoroughly modern, well-balanced, active, capable young lady, right? But apparently even being of a post-feminist generation with a naturally adventurous spirit only gets you so far when it comes to dead rodents.

Friday night, as I am trying to recover from being sick and prepare for a weekend trip, my friend calls me up in a panic (which immediately makes my heart jump because she is 5 months pregnant). "You have to come over! There is a mouse in a trap under the sink, and I can still hear it moving around..." Her husband, of course, is golfing and not answering his phone (thanks, Josh). The urgency in her voice and my desire to be the kind of friend who will drop everything in a time of need propelled me out the door before I could really think about what I was getting myself into.

I arrived to a frazzled friend, two agitated dogs, and a wooden spoon through the handles of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Luckily, we had established that my role was mostly moral support. Or I may have turned around as soon as we peaked in, screamed a few times, and saw the huge dead mouse body. Aaaahhhh. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

What do you even do with that?! We don't want to deal with that! With great emotional intensity, we brainstormed possible solutions and searched the house for carcass extraction implements... I was very clear on the fact that there needed to be something rigid and opaque for transporting the body from the house (there would be no dead rodent floppiness on my watch). We decided BBQ tongs could be effective, then thrown out. Maybe the gardening hand rake? And maybe hazmat suits.

Finally, using a combination of tongs, broom, and brown paper bag, my friend coaxed the mouse corpse from the back of the cupboard as I screamed at the top of my lungs over her shoulder (aren't I helpful?!). Then tiptoed the bag across the alley to the industrial dumpster (shh).

Didn't retain much dignity, but got the job done.

Just When I Think I'm Getting It

Why, when I am so sure that I know what I want, am I pulled in other directions? I spend so much time trying to learn to listen to my heart. Then when I listen, it leads me astray. Attracted directly to people I can't or shouldn't have. Not fair.

Why, when I am so sure I have a clear head about certain old issues, can they still blow me over with one small puff? I can't/don't want to spend money, so where does that longing go? Back to Food, apparently. Perfect timing for it to be the hot topic all around me. People finding the answer to their problems by controlling what they put in their mouth. Perfectly awful timing.

Solution: quit being so sure. (?)

Big Girls Don't Cry (at least not in public)

It's official. STP left without me. There was no way my knee could even make it to Seward Park, much less Centralia, much less Portland. At least that made it an easy decision. But sad.

My big plan to reclaim the weekend was to hang out with my aunt, make gnocci (hopefully, a more accomplishable item on my list) and take a sewing class I had my eye on. Unfortunately, the class turned out to be last month (oops), but time with my aunt in the sun was perfect and I'm planning on having a go at the gnocci.

Since the signs were pointing towards my not being able to do the ride for quite a while, I was able to ease into the reality and the disappointment. But it came flooding back when I went to the "Send Off" party the other night. I felt really left out as we heard all of the last minute logistics. It didn't help that the program coordinator pointed out someone else who was injured and couldn't ride, but didn't mention me.

So one of my worst fears snuck up on me. Suddenly I'm crying in front of relative strangers. And to make matters worse, they didn't seem to know what to do with me. So I put my sunglasses on and slid out. It was an important cathartic release. But uncomfortable. Only slightly less embarrassing than several years ago when my favorite dog was dying and an instructor lightly criticized my "creative" knitting technique - when suddenly I'm bawling in the middle of knitting class. They didn't know what to do with me there either. I didn't even know what to do with myself that time, so it was a mess.

They're just tears. You've seen them before. And will undoubtedly see them again. Why does it make us so uncomfortable? Though, I can't really blame them; I'm often the same way.

Just give the girl a hug, people.

Holding a Number in My Hand...

Another blind date?! Eek.
I just don't want to call. It's too hard!
Why so hard?

What Goes In Must Come Out

Good news. So far, so good on "The Budget" (also referred to as "the Financial Integrity Plan", "that Pesky Budget", or "G*d D*mn Financial Integrity" depending on my mood). Interesting things are surfacing as I carefully consider whether I want it, need it, and or just think it will solve all my problems (or all three).

First off, I've been discovering and valuing the expanding potential of things already available to me like the library, free podcasts, places within walking distance from my house (instead of driving), and additional services my health insurance already covers. I really do have so much already.

But which other new things that I feel the urge to buy do I really need to bring into my life, fridge, closet, etc? This consideration has begun to feel similar to my obsessive-compulsive planning for backpacking trips or emergency preparedness. It is liberating to realize how little we really need to survive. It's the line between need and want is tricky. For example: I need food, but what food do I need? I NEED to give myself enough of what I want, or the whole thing collapses into destructive behavior again. Meet my friend Delicate Balance.

So how do I maintain that balance I've worked so hard to learn and still cut back on spending? In the past, I've tried things like going to the Grocery Outlet and cheap clothing stores, but I can't handle the low quality of the products and the low energy of the surroundings. I may not need a lot, but I need to love it, enjoy it, and value it for it to be satisfying. (The curse of having discerning taste?!) So one answer I turn to the farmers market. It is fresh, seasonal, and local (and sticks-it-to-the-man a little). It represents the values I hold but haven't necessarily been acting on.

What I didn't expect was that my brain has also become really interested in what is going out of my life as well as what's coming in. What am I leaving in my wake? All the garbage, packaging materials, junk mail, etc. coming from my house feels so unnecessary and unfortunate. And when I choose the food I buy so carefully, it feels like such a loss for it to go to waste. So suddenly I'm even more motivated to think more, to buy things with less packaging, to bring my own bags, to make sure to compost, etc.

A natural broader desire to live with more integrity continues to grow - a welcome relief from fighting myself to try to do all the things I "should" do to be a better person. Strange (and lucky), but true. For now.

Balancing My Checkbook

So the most recent Chaos seems to have shoved one last skeleton out into the light. Apparently, my relatively destructive relationship with Money is no longer allowed to stay hidden, most of all from myself.

While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).

So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.

I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.

I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.

I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.

But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.

So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.

Let me know if you have any secrets.

Chaos and the Dancing Star

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Chaos has been swirling.
Back with a vengeance.
Playing a familiar old tug-of-war.

Defeated.
Convinced I am defective.
Desperate to be oblivious to these depths.
(Why can't I just be normal?!)

After a good while in battle,
Something starts working itself to the surface.
Chaos has knocked it loose.
To help me shed something destructive that I've clung to
for the illusion of safety.

When I'm ready to turn the corner,
I catch a glimpse of Hope.
I begin to lean forward.
And timidly reach out.

Life never feels quite as valuable
as in those moments
on the other side of Despair.
When my heart is freshly open.
And I understand that it is through shadow
that I know light.