Why, when I am so sure that I know what I want, am I pulled in other directions? I spend so much time trying to learn to listen to my heart. Then when I listen, it leads me astray. Attracted directly to people I can't or shouldn't have. Not fair.
Why, when I am so sure I have a clear head about certain old issues, can they still blow me over with one small puff? I can't/don't want to spend money, so where does that longing go? Back to Food, apparently. Perfect timing for it to be the hot topic all around me. People finding the answer to their problems by controlling what they put in their mouth. Perfectly awful timing.
Solution: quit being so sure. (?)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Big Girls Don't Cry (at least not in public)
It's official. STP left without me. There was no way my knee could even make it to Seward Park, much less Centralia, much less Portland. At least that made it an easy decision. But sad.
My big plan to reclaim the weekend was to hang out with my aunt, make gnocci (hopefully, a more accomplishable item on my list) and take a sewing class I had my eye on. Unfortunately, the class turned out to be last month (oops), but time with my aunt in the sun was perfect and I'm planning on having a go at the gnocci.
Since the signs were pointing towards my not being able to do the ride for quite a while, I was able to ease into the reality and the disappointment. But it came flooding back when I went to the "Send Off" party the other night. I felt really left out as we heard all of the last minute logistics. It didn't help that the program coordinator pointed out someone else who was injured and couldn't ride, but didn't mention me.
So one of my worst fears snuck up on me. Suddenly I'm crying in front of relative strangers. And to make matters worse, they didn't seem to know what to do with me. So I put my sunglasses on and slid out. It was an important cathartic release. But uncomfortable. Only slightly less embarrassing than several years ago when my favorite dog was dying and an instructor lightly criticized my "creative" knitting technique - when suddenly I'm bawling in the middle of knitting class. They didn't know what to do with me there either. I didn't even know what to do with myself that time, so it was a mess.
They're just tears. You've seen them before. And will undoubtedly see them again. Why does it make us so uncomfortable? Though, I can't really blame them; I'm often the same way.
Just give the girl a hug, people.
My big plan to reclaim the weekend was to hang out with my aunt, make gnocci (hopefully, a more accomplishable item on my list) and take a sewing class I had my eye on. Unfortunately, the class turned out to be last month (oops), but time with my aunt in the sun was perfect and I'm planning on having a go at the gnocci.
Since the signs were pointing towards my not being able to do the ride for quite a while, I was able to ease into the reality and the disappointment. But it came flooding back when I went to the "Send Off" party the other night. I felt really left out as we heard all of the last minute logistics. It didn't help that the program coordinator pointed out someone else who was injured and couldn't ride, but didn't mention me.
So one of my worst fears snuck up on me. Suddenly I'm crying in front of relative strangers. And to make matters worse, they didn't seem to know what to do with me. So I put my sunglasses on and slid out. It was an important cathartic release. But uncomfortable. Only slightly less embarrassing than several years ago when my favorite dog was dying and an instructor lightly criticized my "creative" knitting technique - when suddenly I'm bawling in the middle of knitting class. They didn't know what to do with me there either. I didn't even know what to do with myself that time, so it was a mess.
They're just tears. You've seen them before. And will undoubtedly see them again. Why does it make us so uncomfortable? Though, I can't really blame them; I'm often the same way.
Just give the girl a hug, people.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Holding a Number in My Hand...
Another blind date?! Eek.
I just don't want to call. It's too hard!
Why so hard?
I just don't want to call. It's too hard!
Why so hard?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What Goes In Must Come Out
Good news. So far, so good on "The Budget" (also referred to as "the Financial Integrity Plan", "that Pesky Budget", or "G*d D*mn Financial Integrity" depending on my mood). Interesting things are surfacing as I carefully consider whether I want it, need it, and or just think it will solve all my problems (or all three).
First off, I've been discovering and valuing the expanding potential of things already available to me like the library, free podcasts, places within walking distance from my house (instead of driving), and additional services my health insurance already covers. I really do have so much already.
But which other new things that I feel the urge to buy do I really need to bring into my life, fridge, closet, etc? This consideration has begun to feel similar to my obsessive-compulsive planning for backpacking trips or emergency preparedness. It is liberating to realize how little we really need to survive. It's the line between need and want is tricky. For example: I need food, but what food do I need? I NEED to give myself enough of what I want, or the whole thing collapses into destructive behavior again. Meet my friend Delicate Balance.
So how do I maintain that balance I've worked so hard to learn and still cut back on spending? In the past, I've tried things like going to the Grocery Outlet and cheap clothing stores, but I can't handle the low quality of the products and the low energy of the surroundings. I may not need a lot, but I need to love it, enjoy it, and value it for it to be satisfying. (The curse of having discerning taste?!) So one answer I turn to the farmers market. It is fresh, seasonal, and local (and sticks-it-to-the-man a little). It represents the values I hold but haven't necessarily been acting on.
What I didn't expect was that my brain has also become really interested in what is going out of my life as well as what's coming in. What am I leaving in my wake? All the garbage, packaging materials, junk mail, etc. coming from my house feels so unnecessary and unfortunate. And when I choose the food I buy so carefully, it feels like such a loss for it to go to waste. So suddenly I'm even more motivated to think more, to buy things with less packaging, to bring my own bags, to make sure to compost, etc.
A natural broader desire to live with more integrity continues to grow - a welcome relief from fighting myself to try to do all the things I "should" do to be a better person. Strange (and lucky), but true. For now.
First off, I've been discovering and valuing the expanding potential of things already available to me like the library, free podcasts, places within walking distance from my house (instead of driving), and additional services my health insurance already covers. I really do have so much already.
But which other new things that I feel the urge to buy do I really need to bring into my life, fridge, closet, etc? This consideration has begun to feel similar to my obsessive-compulsive planning for backpacking trips or emergency preparedness. It is liberating to realize how little we really need to survive. It's the line between need and want is tricky. For example: I need food, but what food do I need? I NEED to give myself enough of what I want, or the whole thing collapses into destructive behavior again. Meet my friend Delicate Balance.
So how do I maintain that balance I've worked so hard to learn and still cut back on spending? In the past, I've tried things like going to the Grocery Outlet and cheap clothing stores, but I can't handle the low quality of the products and the low energy of the surroundings. I may not need a lot, but I need to love it, enjoy it, and value it for it to be satisfying. (The curse of having discerning taste?!) So one answer I turn to the farmers market. It is fresh, seasonal, and local (and sticks-it-to-the-man a little). It represents the values I hold but haven't necessarily been acting on.
What I didn't expect was that my brain has also become really interested in what is going out of my life as well as what's coming in. What am I leaving in my wake? All the garbage, packaging materials, junk mail, etc. coming from my house feels so unnecessary and unfortunate. And when I choose the food I buy so carefully, it feels like such a loss for it to go to waste. So suddenly I'm even more motivated to think more, to buy things with less packaging, to bring my own bags, to make sure to compost, etc.
A natural broader desire to live with more integrity continues to grow - a welcome relief from fighting myself to try to do all the things I "should" do to be a better person. Strange (and lucky), but true. For now.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Balancing My Checkbook
So the most recent Chaos seems to have shoved one last skeleton out into the light. Apparently, my relatively destructive relationship with Money is no longer allowed to stay hidden, most of all from myself.
While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).
So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.
I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.
I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.
I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.
But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.
So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.
Let me know if you have any secrets.
While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).
So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.
I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.
I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.
I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.
But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.
So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.
Let me know if you have any secrets.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Chaos and the Dancing Star
"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Chaos has been swirling.
Back with a vengeance.
Playing a familiar old tug-of-war.
Defeated.
Convinced I am defective.
Desperate to be oblivious to these depths.
(Why can't I just be normal?!)
After a good while in battle,
Something starts working itself to the surface.
Chaos has knocked it loose.
To help me shed something destructive that I've clung to
for the illusion of safety.
When I'm ready to turn the corner,
I catch a glimpse of Hope.
I begin to lean forward.
And timidly reach out.
Life never feels quite as valuable
as in those moments
on the other side of Despair.
When my heart is freshly open.
And I understand that it is through shadow
that I know light.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Back On The Market
It's official. The saga of "the Trader Joe's Guy" has come to an end. After an roller coaster ride together, we have decided to part ways.
I'm sad. I really did like him, even though it became obvious that not enough fit for a long haul. Every once in a while when we were out in the world together, I saw strangers who seemed to have what I want, and my heart ached. So I not-so-gracefully withdrew and avoided him as I tried to change how I was feeling, which was cowardly and hurtful and made everything worse. In the end, I had to give in and admit that what I really wanted wasn't what was in front of me - as much as I wanted to want what was in front of me. And I am so sad that I hurt someone.
I'm angry. Angry and hurt and sad. About the way we parted. I was reminded that you can see a whole new part of a person when they are hurt. If we are like most people, we instinctively just create hurt in return. It's those talented few who can open their heart up big enough to hold everyone's pain in that moment. It's the latter that I'd recommend thinking hard before parting ways with. The former certainly makes it easier to let go.
I'm confused. Angry at the universe. What was that?! He seemed to have been dropped in my lap for some reason. But I haven't been able to figured out exactly why. I am desperately clinging to the hope that there is a reason why, so I can continue to believe that there is some order in this crazy universe. I can't bare to face a world without healing forces nudging us towards growth and leading us to all forms of love, if we pay attention.
I do feel some relief. It was so hard to admit it wasn't working, and I hate the person I was acting like while I was so conflicted. After all the raw emotion fades, I think I will remember him as the bright flash that he was. A stroke of fate. A lesson on savoring the moment. And super yummy while it lasted.
I'm sad. I really did like him, even though it became obvious that not enough fit for a long haul. Every once in a while when we were out in the world together, I saw strangers who seemed to have what I want, and my heart ached. So I not-so-gracefully withdrew and avoided him as I tried to change how I was feeling, which was cowardly and hurtful and made everything worse. In the end, I had to give in and admit that what I really wanted wasn't what was in front of me - as much as I wanted to want what was in front of me. And I am so sad that I hurt someone.
I'm angry. Angry and hurt and sad. About the way we parted. I was reminded that you can see a whole new part of a person when they are hurt. If we are like most people, we instinctively just create hurt in return. It's those talented few who can open their heart up big enough to hold everyone's pain in that moment. It's the latter that I'd recommend thinking hard before parting ways with. The former certainly makes it easier to let go.
I'm confused. Angry at the universe. What was that?! He seemed to have been dropped in my lap for some reason. But I haven't been able to figured out exactly why. I am desperately clinging to the hope that there is a reason why, so I can continue to believe that there is some order in this crazy universe. I can't bare to face a world without healing forces nudging us towards growth and leading us to all forms of love, if we pay attention.
I do feel some relief. It was so hard to admit it wasn't working, and I hate the person I was acting like while I was so conflicted. After all the raw emotion fades, I think I will remember him as the bright flash that he was. A stroke of fate. A lesson on savoring the moment. And super yummy while it lasted.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hiding Out From Life
Life is too much for me right now. I can't stand to hear about natural disaster devastation, but I can't turn away. The tragedy sinks right into my soul. And lots of smaller losses are piling up around me. Cancer is back with a vengeance in the mother of a wonderful young girl whom I love. A friend is dealing with the complicated death of her father. Friends are moving away. Other friends' lives are moving on in ways mine just isn't. (And riding 73 miles in 90 degree weather probably depleted some of my resiliency this week.)
Why is my life so easy compared to people in earthquake leveled China? How is that right? And why does my life still feel so hard? Life is delicate. Time is short. Make the most of it, right?! I believe that. But I just waste more time feeling guilty that I may not be making the most of mine. What will actually make it be the most? What do I even want? And if I know what I want, how do I get it? Do I even deserve it?
Right now I want more...
more time
more sleep
more freedom (aka more money)
more knowledge
more experience
more direction
more Project Runway
more Nancy Drew skirts to sew
more ice cream
And here's my big question of the moment: How much of what I want has to overlap with my significant other's? What can I compromise? If it is not possible to compromise, then how long do I hang around in the meantime? What do I really want?
I'm not sure. Or I'm not ready to stand up for it. Much less go after it.
So I slowly retreat. Turn inward. Hide out while it all churns in my head. Bury my head in Project Runway or whatever other distraction I can get my hands on.
Not sure when I'll be ready to come back up for air. Might be a while. My only glimmer of hope is that perhaps I'll come out the other side of all this rumination with some sort of brilliant epiphany...
Why is my life so easy compared to people in earthquake leveled China? How is that right? And why does my life still feel so hard? Life is delicate. Time is short. Make the most of it, right?! I believe that. But I just waste more time feeling guilty that I may not be making the most of mine. What will actually make it be the most? What do I even want? And if I know what I want, how do I get it? Do I even deserve it?
Right now I want more...
more time
more sleep
more freedom (aka more money)
more knowledge
more experience
more direction
more Project Runway
more Nancy Drew skirts to sew
more ice cream
And here's my big question of the moment: How much of what I want has to overlap with my significant other's? What can I compromise? If it is not possible to compromise, then how long do I hang around in the meantime? What do I really want?
I'm not sure. Or I'm not ready to stand up for it. Much less go after it.
So I slowly retreat. Turn inward. Hide out while it all churns in my head. Bury my head in Project Runway or whatever other distraction I can get my hands on.
Not sure when I'll be ready to come back up for air. Might be a while. My only glimmer of hope is that perhaps I'll come out the other side of all this rumination with some sort of brilliant epiphany...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Nina Luna Meets Project Runway
I finally got my hands on Project Runway, and now I can't get enough. Seriously. This, combined with the task of coming up with a Nancy Drew costume for my niece... and I'm off running.
I made a cute skirt reminiscent of the recent Nancy Drew movie look (hopefully). Headband and magnifying glass are on their way...
Now I'm on the hunt for a more vintage Nancy Drew look for myself for next Halloween. I already have the magnifying glass necklace. Now I just need the right dress/suit. Something very prim and proper 1940/50s with youthful full skirt. Perhaps plaid with a crisp white collar... Did you know they sell vintage sewing patterns on eBay?!
Inspiration is everywhere when I am tuned in. On the Nancy Drew quest to every local fabric store (it was incredibly hard to find plaid this time of year!), I got distracted and produced a purple and orange paisley corduroy skirt and a laminated cotton bag for Mother's Day!
Fun! Thank you Heidi and Tim Gunn (am I the only one who wants to take him home with me?!).
Make it work, people.
Carry on.
I made a cute skirt reminiscent of the recent Nancy Drew movie look (hopefully). Headband and magnifying glass are on their way...
Now I'm on the hunt for a more vintage Nancy Drew look for myself for next Halloween. I already have the magnifying glass necklace. Now I just need the right dress/suit. Something very prim and proper 1940/50s with youthful full skirt. Perhaps plaid with a crisp white collar... Did you know they sell vintage sewing patterns on eBay?!
Inspiration is everywhere when I am tuned in. On the Nancy Drew quest to every local fabric store (it was incredibly hard to find plaid this time of year!), I got distracted and produced a purple and orange paisley corduroy skirt and a laminated cotton bag for Mother's Day!
Fun! Thank you Heidi and Tim Gunn (am I the only one who wants to take him home with me?!).
Make it work, people.
Carry on.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Lilac Watch 2008
I once heard a story about a woman whose life's work was her amazing lilac garden. She had many, many beautiful and unique varieties which she had collected and many hybrids that created herself. People loved her lilacs, so she often gave them lilac cuttings so they could take them home to grow their own. One winter there was a terrible storm and flood waters from the nearby river engulfed her garden and left it completely ruined. But slowly people heard about her devastation and brought back cuttings from the bushes they had started from hers, and she gradually replanted her garden again and restored it to its full beauty. I think you can extract the moral of the story.
(I think I found the real story about the garden which is actually just outside Portland. They say that people actually bought their starts from her and make rebuilding sound like no big deal. I'm going to stick with my romantic version.)
I think of (my version of) this story every year when the lilacs come out. That, combined with their old fashioned charm and the fact that they come in every gorgeous shade of purple imaginable, has made them one of my favorite things in the world. A few years ago I caught myself saying, "The lilacs have never been so beautiful!" Then it was pointed out to me that that I say that exact phrase every year. But every year I genuinely feel that way.
Several years ago I was down in Portland for Easter and the lilacs were in full bloom already. What happened this year? I know Easter was early but things have looked a little more like this...
Yes, that is snow in April in Seattle.
I think of lilacs as being in full bloom around Mothers Day, so maybe we are not that off schedule. But you have to agree the weather in Seattle is seriously wacky this year. I am in desperate need of Spring!!! Please.
But they're here. Take a look around. I found a few of my own lilac branches sprouting purple on the bush in my side yard (in the shade between houses, it's a little behind its cousins with sunnier real estate)...
(I think I found the real story about the garden which is actually just outside Portland. They say that people actually bought their starts from her and make rebuilding sound like no big deal. I'm going to stick with my romantic version.)
I think of (my version of) this story every year when the lilacs come out. That, combined with their old fashioned charm and the fact that they come in every gorgeous shade of purple imaginable, has made them one of my favorite things in the world. A few years ago I caught myself saying, "The lilacs have never been so beautiful!" Then it was pointed out to me that that I say that exact phrase every year. But every year I genuinely feel that way.
Several years ago I was down in Portland for Easter and the lilacs were in full bloom already. What happened this year? I know Easter was early but things have looked a little more like this...
Yes, that is snow in April in Seattle.
I think of lilacs as being in full bloom around Mothers Day, so maybe we are not that off schedule. But you have to agree the weather in Seattle is seriously wacky this year. I am in desperate need of Spring!!! Please.
But they're here. Take a look around. I found a few of my own lilac branches sprouting purple on the bush in my side yard (in the shade between houses, it's a little behind its cousins with sunnier real estate)...
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