Back On The Market

It's official. The saga of "the Trader Joe's Guy" has come to an end. After an roller coaster ride together, we have decided to part ways.

I'm sad. I really did like him, even though it became obvious that not enough fit for a long haul. Every once in a while when we were out in the world together, I saw strangers who seemed to have what I want, and my heart ached. So I not-so-gracefully withdrew and avoided him as I tried to change how I was feeling, which was cowardly and hurtful and made everything worse. In the end, I had to give in and admit that what I really wanted wasn't what was in front of me - as much as I wanted to want what was in front of me. And I am so sad that I hurt someone.

I'm angry. Angry and hurt and sad. About the way we parted. I was reminded that you can see a whole new part of a person when they are hurt. If we are like most people, we instinctively just create hurt in return. It's those talented few who can open their heart up big enough to hold everyone's pain in that moment. It's the latter that I'd recommend thinking hard before parting ways with. The former certainly makes it easier to let go.

I'm confused. Angry at the universe. What was that?! He seemed to have been dropped in my lap for some reason. But I haven't been able to figured out exactly why. I am desperately clinging to the hope that there is a reason why, so I can continue to believe that there is some order in this crazy universe. I can't bare to face a world without healing forces nudging us towards growth and leading us to all forms of love, if we pay attention.

I do feel some relief. It was so hard to admit it wasn't working, and I hate the person I was acting like while I was so conflicted. After all the raw emotion fades, I think I will remember him as the bright flash that he was. A stroke of fate. A lesson on savoring the moment. And super yummy while it lasted.

Hiding Out From Life

Life is too much for me right now. I can't stand to hear about natural disaster devastation, but I can't turn away. The tragedy sinks right into my soul. And lots of smaller losses are piling up around me. Cancer is back with a vengeance in the mother of a wonderful young girl whom I love. A friend is dealing with the complicated death of her father. Friends are moving away. Other friends' lives are moving on in ways mine just isn't. (And riding 73 miles in 90 degree weather probably depleted some of my resiliency this week.)

Why is my life so easy compared to people in earthquake leveled China? How is that right? And why does my life still feel so hard? Life is delicate. Time is short. Make the most of it, right?! I believe that. But I just waste more time feeling guilty that I may not be making the most of mine. What will actually make it be the most? What do I even want? And if I know what I want, how do I get it? Do I even deserve it?

Right now I want more...
more time
more sleep
more freedom (aka more money)
more knowledge
more experience
more direction
more Project Runway
more Nancy Drew skirts to sew
more ice cream

And here's my big question of the moment: How much of what I want has to overlap with my significant other's? What can I compromise? If it is not possible to compromise, then how long do I hang around in the meantime? What do I really want?

I'm not sure. Or I'm not ready to stand up for it. Much less go after it.

So I slowly retreat. Turn inward. Hide out while it all churns in my head. Bury my head in Project Runway or whatever other distraction I can get my hands on.

Not sure when I'll be ready to come back up for air. Might be a while. My only glimmer of hope is that perhaps I'll come out the other side of all this rumination with some sort of brilliant epiphany...

Nina Luna Meets Project Runway

I finally got my hands on Project Runway, and now I can't get enough. Seriously. This, combined with the task of coming up with a Nancy Drew costume for my niece... and I'm off running.

I made a cute skirt reminiscent of the recent Nancy Drew movie look (hopefully). Headband and magnifying glass are on their way...

Now I'm on the hunt for a more vintage Nancy Drew look for myself for next Halloween. I already have the magnifying glass necklace. Now I just need the right dress/suit. Something very prim and proper 1940/50s with youthful full skirt. Perhaps plaid with a crisp white collar... Did you know they sell vintage sewing patterns on eBay?!

Inspiration is everywhere when I am tuned in. On the Nancy Drew quest to every local fabric store (it was incredibly hard to find plaid this time of year!), I got distracted and produced a purple and orange paisley corduroy skirt and a laminated cotton bag for Mother's Day!

Fun! Thank you Heidi and Tim Gunn (am I the only one who wants to take him home with me?!).
Make it work, people.
Carry on.

Lilac Watch 2008

I once heard a story about a woman whose life's work was her amazing lilac garden. She had many, many beautiful and unique varieties which she had collected and many hybrids that created herself. People loved her lilacs, so she often gave them lilac cuttings so they could take them home to grow their own. One winter there was a terrible storm and flood waters from the nearby river engulfed her garden and left it completely ruined. But slowly people heard about her devastation and brought back cuttings from the bushes they had started from hers, and she gradually replanted her garden again and restored it to its full beauty. I think you can extract the moral of the story.

(I think I found the real story about the garden which is actually just outside Portland. They say that people actually bought their starts from her and make rebuilding sound like no big deal. I'm going to stick with my romantic version.)

I think of (my version of) this story every year when the lilacs come out. That, combined with their old fashioned charm and the fact that they come in every gorgeous shade of purple imaginable, has made them one of my favorite things in the world. A few years ago I caught myself saying, "The lilacs have never been so beautiful!" Then it was pointed out to me that that I say that exact phrase every year. But every year I genuinely feel that way.

Several years ago I was down in Portland for Easter and the lilacs were in full bloom already. What happened this year? I know Easter was early but things have looked a little more like this...

Yes, that is snow in April in Seattle.

I think of lilacs as being in full bloom around Mothers Day, so maybe we are not that off schedule. But you have to agree the weather in Seattle is seriously wacky this year. I am in desperate need of Spring!!! Please.

But they're here. Take a look around. I found a few of my own lilac branches sprouting purple on the bush in my side yard (in the shade between houses, it's a little behind its cousins with sunnier real estate)...