Let the Diamonds Sparkle Anyway

I surrender. I am too tired and sensitive for this.
Life is too short to give so much energy to what you think may be missing.

How about trying to focus on what I do have, rather than what I don't?!
Maybe embrace all the kinds of love that are already in my life.

If/when I find a partner, lovely. But I can't seem to work up the energy to put in any more effort at the moment. And I'm actually pretty content in my little life at the moment.

Recently, my parents were changing safety deposit boxes and brought out the diamond ring my grandmother left me. I had always figured that someday I'd use it to make an engagement ring. But I tried it on, and I felt suddenly much more adult - like at least my hands were now more equal with the women who get to wear the expensive sparkly badge of being loved.

I decided to just start wearing it on my right hand. I added a little purple to make it more "me" and hopefully a little less engagement-y. Yes, now at first glance my hand might communicate "not available" to men, but hopefully just to those who don't know their right from their left and/or who aren't interested enough to stick around for a minute and find out.

Enough with the waiting.

How Skinny is Too Skinny?

I've always said I can't date a guy who wears smaller jeans than me. Sorry, my fragile body image can't handle being the larger one in the relationship - I need to feel feminine and attractive, so smaller - right? Not that I would ever judge people by appearances (ha!). And not that I would be at all horrified if a guy judged me by those kinds of superficial standards.

So by any chance am I finally mature enough to put happiness over body issues? 'Cause his jeans are definitely smaller.

A friend said something to me a while ago that I have been mulling over. She said she likes me at my current weight better than when I'm thinner - this weight "suits me better". Huh.

More surprising to me than the comment itself was my reaction to it. First, I let myself consider what it might be like to believe her for a moment. Then, I became confused about why I'd never even considered that possibility for myself before.

Um, duh? At some point didn't we decide something about thinness and an unhealthy illusion concocted and perpetuated by inauthentic popular culture? And about the endless pursuit to be thinner actually being a misplaced attempt to cover up deeper emotional needs? I actually do prefer women's bodies that have some softness and curve. And I would whole-heartedly argue that a healthy well-balanced internal and external life leads to a healthy well-balanced body - and that weight, whatever it is, is when someone is most attractive.

But somehow I'm still sure I'd be happier if I were just one size smaller and if everyone stayed on their side of stereotypical gender body norms. Nice.

Luckily for now, he has found ways to express his appreciation for the curves...

Almost Famous on the Tangled Web

I have spent some quality time on other blogs lately, and I am in love, love, love with two blogs these days, one of which is What Would Emma Pillsbury Wear? (the other is Gertie's New Blog for Better Sewing). I can't wait to see what they will be posted next. It's like a present in my inbox when a new posting from one of them pops up in my RSS feeds.

So what happens when one of these amazing women comments on my fledgling style blog?! I run screaming through the hall to my friend, who luckily understands the magnitude of this event in my mind. The WWEPW lady didn't really even say much, but she's following it! It's like a legend came to visit ME!

I spent some quality time floating on air, explaining this momentous occurrence to anyone who will listen (and receiving mixed responses), when... up pops another comment on the blog, this time from the actually kind of famous Gemma Cartwright, from Big Girls Browse. Only she's not so happy because I called the name of her site "horrible". Oops. Mortification ensues.

Turns out, I don't know the British phrase "big girl's blouse" to refer to an effeminate man, so I did not understand the name of her site at all. It seemed like she was calling us "big girls" who are only able to browse in the world of fashion? It didn't make sense to me given her perspective of celebrating fashion for non-model sized women, but obviously I should have asked a question or two instead of publicly criticizing what I didn't understand!

And so I learned a great lesson in making sure you really want to stand by what you publish, even when you think no one is reading.

Given this roller coaster of events, I am experiencing a blog-dentity crisis. Does this attention mean I should keep up the style blog as well? I was thinking it was just temporary phase. Someone else was supposed to represent the curvy women. And I'm not sure what my real point is...

What are we all doin on here anyway? Narsisitic self-indulgence? Fishing for connection and community? Waiting for a book deal to find us? Hoping to finally feel heard? I'm not sure why, but I obviously feel compelled. Thanks for indulging me, blogosphere.  :)

Elements of Style

I was sick in bed (again. of course.) for nearly a week and spent some quality time surfing the internet. Somehow, one vintage clothing/sewing site lead to another, and I found a whole list of new favorite resources that I can't believe I didn't know about before... retail sites like ModCloth and Ruche for affordable vintage inspired clothing (a lot like Anthropologie, but without the price tag) and blogs like Gertie, What I Wore, and Sally Jane Vintage.

Thoroughly inspired, especially to use more of my vintage items and things I'm usually too scared to take a risk on, I started putting together outfits. And soon they were hanging all over my room...


As I surfed deeper online, I realized that as much as I loved what I saw, I was constantly having to mentally edit and adjust to accommodate what I saw for what I know about what looks good on my body. Even when they aren't super skinny, none of these people have anywhere near the curves I am blessed/dealing with. Where are the good style bloggers with real bodies? I'd think the democratic, unregulated world of blogging would be all over this. I'm still looking. And wondering if High Five needs to branch out into fashion... but I'm super hesitant to declare myself any kind of style maven or put my own curves up on the internet to be scrutinized any more than they already are in my mirror. But here goes:

One of my "it may appear like I'm dressed up and presentable, but it actually feels like I'm wearing sweats and tennies" looks...























Hoodie: Forever 21
Shirt: Horny Toad via Outdoor & More
Skirt: Lolë via TJ Maxx ($15!)
Scarf: Urban Outfitters sale corner
Leggings: cheap sparkly silver, left over from Tin Woman costume circa Halloween 2007
Shoes: Privo
Lanyard: school ID tag (sorry, shoulda taken that off...)

I'm posting more outfits at High Five Style... until we find someone else who is shapely and more well-qualified than me to style and model.