Change

November 4, 2008. The whole day was electric with energy. People were a-buzz. Parties were brewing. I wasn't up to the big shindig downtown on a school night, so I took the invitation to watch election results at my friend the school librarian's house (and perhaps meet the young single nephew she's always talking about). I was optimistically buying champagne on the way, and the checkers said they were selling it like it was New Years. I think we could feel it happening.

When the official results came in, the choir director/composer in the group jumped on the piano and lead us in a rousing version of God Bless America and a few other patriotic standards. It was probably the first time I ever momentarily let go of the shame I usually feel about the awful things our nation has done and how we continue to treat the people around us.

As you may know, I had been leaning towards Hilary when this all started and thought Obama could use a few more years of experience at the national level. But my heart sang as if I'd known he was the one all along. Especially since the stock market crashed and everything seems grim... we need hope. We need a leader we can look to for wisdom, with natural charisma and magnetism - like what we saw during first speech at the DNC four years ago.

I though his acceptance speech was beautiful and perfect. Greatness happening in front of us. I drank in every word. And the feeling of victory was thick in the air, like we all just won the world series. I heard stories of people flooding the streets downtown so cars couldn't move, but drivers just got out and started hugging people. Amazing.

Justice. Finally someone other than a rich gray-haired white guy prevailed. And though I would never want to undervalue the great struggle that lead to this historic victory, what I love about the election of the first black man to this office is that often I don't even remember that he is black. Maybe that is another luxury of being a member of the dominant culture, but I feel like one of the victories here is that everyone is talking excitedly about Him, his words, his actions, his ideas... our admiration of him is transcending race and identity. It makes me hopeful that there really is a shift happening - towards our differences not being bigger than what we have in common and what we can do for one another.

(Then, of course, my buzz was completely killed the next morning by the news that things like Prop 8 passed... and I was ready to hurl judgment and hatred at people I don't understand all over again.)

What will happen? What can be done, really? Even by this amazing person, in this historic context. Our country is polarized and completely overextended. We need to reel our over-consuming selves way back in. Think small again. Focus on what is tangible. Create and exchange products and services on a local level. Focus on the people right in front of us; notice what they need. Share the burden, while being responsible for our own actions. Agree to disagree on a few things. Decide that getting our way is less important than getting things done. The only hope is if we can all be bigger, more emotionally generous people, right when we are feeling nothing but scarcity around us.

Change has come. It's exciting. But we forget that change is also really hard. Even good change comes with confusion and loss that are really easy to get lost in. Even I let my anger re-cloud my vision the very next morning.

I'm bracing myself.

I'm just glad that I'm moving someplace with a paid-off mortgage and space to grow some of my own food in the backyard. Just in case.

What Goes In Must Come Out

Good news. So far, so good on "The Budget" (also referred to as "the Financial Integrity Plan", "that Pesky Budget", or "G*d D*mn Financial Integrity" depending on my mood). Interesting things are surfacing as I carefully consider whether I want it, need it, and or just think it will solve all my problems (or all three).

First off, I've been discovering and valuing the expanding potential of things already available to me like the library, free podcasts, places within walking distance from my house (instead of driving), and additional services my health insurance already covers. I really do have so much already.

But which other new things that I feel the urge to buy do I really need to bring into my life, fridge, closet, etc? This consideration has begun to feel similar to my obsessive-compulsive planning for backpacking trips or emergency preparedness. It is liberating to realize how little we really need to survive. It's the line between need and want is tricky. For example: I need food, but what food do I need? I NEED to give myself enough of what I want, or the whole thing collapses into destructive behavior again. Meet my friend Delicate Balance.

So how do I maintain that balance I've worked so hard to learn and still cut back on spending? In the past, I've tried things like going to the Grocery Outlet and cheap clothing stores, but I can't handle the low quality of the products and the low energy of the surroundings. I may not need a lot, but I need to love it, enjoy it, and value it for it to be satisfying. (The curse of having discerning taste?!) So one answer I turn to the farmers market. It is fresh, seasonal, and local (and sticks-it-to-the-man a little). It represents the values I hold but haven't necessarily been acting on.

What I didn't expect was that my brain has also become really interested in what is going out of my life as well as what's coming in. What am I leaving in my wake? All the garbage, packaging materials, junk mail, etc. coming from my house feels so unnecessary and unfortunate. And when I choose the food I buy so carefully, it feels like such a loss for it to go to waste. So suddenly I'm even more motivated to think more, to buy things with less packaging, to bring my own bags, to make sure to compost, etc.

A natural broader desire to live with more integrity continues to grow - a welcome relief from fighting myself to try to do all the things I "should" do to be a better person. Strange (and lucky), but true. For now.

Balancing My Checkbook

So the most recent Chaos seems to have shoved one last skeleton out into the light. Apparently, my relatively destructive relationship with Money is no longer allowed to stay hidden, most of all from myself.

While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).

So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.

I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.

I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.

I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.

But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.

So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.

Let me know if you have any secrets.