Inked

You may not believe it if you know me very well, but I actually put my money where my mouth is and got that tattoo I've been dreaming of!

Over Christmas break, when I was down in the dumps as usual because of the dark time of year, the change in routine that vacation and the holidays bring, my familial legacy of unfortunate brain chemistry, etc... I yet again withdrew from the world (hence the Twilight).

One day on a walk, the fog lifted slightly and I had a moment of clarity (or insanity; still waiting to decide). I needed to carry a reminder that "life comes back" like I have written about. I needed that tattoo. I needed to throw out worrying about whether other people approve of me and allow myself to risk.

I knew what I wanted. I pinned down a design in the the delicate vine and scroll style I've been playing with - that to me symbolizes life and growth and goodness. The most shocking part of the decision was to put it on the inside of my left arm below the wrist, so it can catch my eye when I need it to.

As soon as I got it, I felt cooler. Kind of in awe. Who is this person who gets tattoos?! Now and then, I do experience some "what the hell have I done getting a tattoo - especially in a place where everyone can see" panic. Luckily, it usually passes as I remember that the whole point of this tattoo was to remind me to let go of exactly that kind of fear that can so easily keep me paralyzed and hidden from life.

My goal is to live long enough and happy enough for it to outlive it's usefulness and to joyfully regret it. But ask me in 30 years.

25 Things

There's a chain-letter like activity spreading like crazy through Facebook called "25 Random Things About Me". When someone sends it to you, you write a list of 25 random facts, habits, or goals about yourself. Then you send it to 25 friends, including the person who sent it you. It's a big online "get to know you" game.

Unlike many other viral fads, most people are actually doing it. Something about the format and the popularity make it worth the effort. I think we want to share ourselves. And there is beauty in the mundane details. Every list I've read has something delightfully surprising about the person and something that makes me feel a little less alone in my "hidden" foibles and neuroses. Here's my 25:

1. My greatest fear is going crazy/losing my mind/losing touch with reality. I honestly worry about it happening to me. And then I panic that I might really make it happen by worrying about it too much...

2. I’ve kept a list of favorite kids’ names since I was 12 (even through my phase when I wasn't sure I wanted kids), but I've started using them on pets (and cars) just in case I never get to use them on kids.

3. I am at my most content on the way back down a mountain with a happy dog at my side.

4. I have always wanted to be a foster parent.

5. I don’t think I like my cats (Oliver and Violet) as much as I should. I take their rejection personally.

6. I take everything personally. Or at least I used to.

7. I hate talking on the phone; I rarely answer it and often don’t call people back (please don't take it personally!).

8. I love Facebook because I can communicate with lots of wonderful people without the pressure of having to actually talk to them. And I love blogging because I can pour my heart out without the immediate risk of judgment or rejection. Yes, I hide behind technology. But I used to just hide, so I see this as major progress.

9. I really enjoy picking my nose.

10. I’ve watched General Hospital on and off for about 15 years, at times taping it daily.

11. I love to sing Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” to my cabins/tents of kids at lights out, but I’m always terrified when I start it. Then they always love it (or at least don’t complain) which gives me faith in sharing your heart.

12. My favorite movie is easily Dirty Dancing. But one of my other favorites, the Philadelphia Story, is the one I usually claim in public.

13. I think there’s nothing in the world like someone sticking up for you.

14. I am often simultaneously confident that I know everything and convinced that I am completely wrong about everything.

15. I usually cry whenever I see someone else tear up. But I often have trouble crying when I am upset.

16. I'll drink champagne for any reason from celebration to misery.

17. My glory days seem to have been breaking summer swim league records as an 8 & under and starring in my middle school musicals. Oh, and winning Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie tickets in a hula-hoop contest at a St. Bridget’s dance in 6th grade - that was rad.

18. What I want to “do” with my life changes weekly, sometimes daily. Currently rotating between school counselor (again), art teacher, and interior designer. Or dream job: children's book author/illustrator.

19. I am very grateful that I love my current job so I have some time to maybe figure out what's next.

20. I wish people would ask me more questions, especially about the challenging things in my past.

21. I’ve been in love 3 times. And still love each of them.

22. I’ve never broken a bone or had a cavity (yet).

23. I’ve always wanted glasses for their fun fashion accessory potential.

24. I am afraid of the dark, and I have to sleep with a light on in the hall.

25. I am a often paralyzed by perfectionism (and typed this list in Word first).

Go ahead, make your own list... everyone is doing it!

Greener Grass Syndrome

When the sky is perpetually gray and the holidays felt like something was missing, I suddenly feel a lot less OK with being where I am in life. Really, single again? Really, still trying to figure out what to do with my life? What is wrong with me? When do I get to be a grown-up?! (In this mood, it does not help that my single thirty-two-year-old self with two cats just moved into my parent's house, whether the parents still live there, or not.)

I hear my little niece once innocently asking, "Where's your family?"

It seems like everyone I know is having babies. Or at least trying. And I am so happy for them. But I also can't help but feel like the train left without me. Not that I'm even ready for all that. But as they enter a different world, there is no way I can completely relate. I'm still trying to imagine what it is like to live with a boy.

And who knows what my life will bring?! Who knows if I'm ever meant to be a mother or even be in just one long-lasting relationship. Who knows how long I will even be around? Maybe this is as good as it gets! Carpe diem!! (A close call with a freak eyebrow plucking tweezers-in-eye incident just gave me renewed appreciation for my sight and health; bear with me.)

On my good days, I'm open to whatever life will bring. I am grateful for my unique path and am happy I still get to look forward to falling in love again. I am confident that I am doing things with my life that uniquely fit my gifts and positively contribute to the world. I am making the most of each effing opportunity for personal growth...

But sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like to be a "normal" thirty-something woman walking around Greenlake complaining about my partner leaving wet towels on the floor and having to religiously monitor my ovulation. As if replacing my issues with a set of more conventional ones might help anything. As if that woman never wonders if she made the right choices and wouldn't trade to be free for a while.

Greener grass syndrome hits again. (I know, I know. Don't compare my insides to others' outsides...)

Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch (less putting everyone's feelings before my own).
2. Be less of a slave to bad habits (take responsibility for my choices).

Doing pretty well on the first one. Sorry, Donald.

To Tattoo or Not To Tattoo

I always assumed that a tattoo was a youthful whim that you usually regretted later. And I never thought there was an object or symbol which I identified with enough to live for the rest of my life. Then a few years ago, the art teacher at my school got a tattoo for her 50th birthday. She had survived cancer, diabetes, divorce... and designed a branch with turning leaves symbolizing this new phase of her life. And the wheels started turning.

I started thinking about my own bumpy life experience. Thinking that perhaps tattoo could be a creative expression of self knowledge and self trust. I began to get excited about the idea of decorating/adorning the body which has carried so much pain. Reclaiming. Declaring its beauty. And a way to stay rooted in not allowing myself to be limited by conventional society.

As this idea began to brew, it hit me that my attraction to spiral designs and their symbolism of growth and contemplation - something between old Celtic designs and the wrought iron things I'd been collecting - might be perfect for tattooing. So I started doodling on myself...


Once my tattoo radar went up, I happened to see a TV character (Carmen on the L Word, yum) who had a tattoo curving along each hip, and I started thinking about designs fitting in with the curvature and lines of the body rather than a graphic just being stamp on somewhere. But where? I decided it would need to be somewhere on my body that could be hidden when I wanted but visible when I wanted to out. I got excited about the idea of the inside arch of my foot or on the inside heal...


Then I learned that most places wouldn't do those parts of the foot because the ink fades unevenly. I was really attached to that idea, so the excitement faded for a while. But it has slowly built up again and a new idea has emerged. I'm thinking a slightly larger scale (if you're gonna do it, do it!) design riding the womanly curve on the side of my right back/hip, with at least an an end that peaks up on my belt line (I love it when you are surprised by a glimpse of someone's tattoo on their back when their shirt lifts up a little). And a friend recommended an amazing artist whose style might be perfect to make it happen.


But still, fear of making a decision I might regret is holding me back. Once when I asked someone if they ever thought they might regret their tattoos when they are old and saggy, they told me they far more expected that they would regret not having done it. I think I agree. There are too many ways I have held myself back out of fear. But I'm giving myself time. Thinking maybe it could be a reward when I get out of debt.

Or it might never happen - it might just be just something fun to dream about. And look for meaning through. I draw on myself with sharpie and then test every situation I'm in as I go through the day, asking would I be glad I had it right now? Right now, YES!

Haunted House

It just sunk in. I've been distracted by the anticipation of a dishwasher, low rent, a patio for a grill, etc., and I didn't stop to fully consider what this means... I'm taking over the house that houses my childhood.

I had distanced myself from the difficult parts of my past by no longer thinking of it as mine. But now when I walk in, bits of memory and emotion jump out and nip at me at unexpected moments. With the familiar hop up the front stairs and the smooth door latch in my hand. With the familiar creak of each floorboard. With the unique sound of each door - which I can hear before it even swings. Like the back of a hand I thought I had amputated. Surreal memories from a past life. Plenty good. Plenty hard. Lots that just were. All of which surprise me with their force as they surface. Not really sure what was real, what was imagined, or what I've long forgotten.

The closet I open and expect to still see clothes that I wonder if my sister will notice I borrow. The bookshelf that housed the encyclopedias confirming my suspicion about Santa Claus (after one more quick look at the word "mythical"). The wood floors that I could never clean up well enough to not leave a mark when they got wet. The storage loft that was my private safe haven. The bathroom where I was perplexed by tampons but too ashamed or too proud to ask for help. The room in which I spent hours flirting and making out with high school boyfriends, but also spent hours holding my favorite dog while she was dying. And, of course, the kitchen where it became clear my hunger was an unfortunate and unsatisfiable urge.

A vortex. Where I am all of those parts of my past selves again at once. Where I can't always remember the difference between who think I am supposed to be to fit in and who I really am. Where the constant fear I may be doing something wrong still lingers in the air.

Can I be an adult in my childhood home? Will the substitution of my grown up stuff and some new color on the wall make it my (grown up) own? Will the legs I finally stand pretty steadily upon still hold me up when I walk in the door every day? Or will I wake up terrified of that same old boogie man outside every dark window.

I'm not sure I'd trade any of what that house has held. The wounds healed over stronger. I can see the undeniable love, now that I've learned to interpret it. But I'm bracing myself. Anticipating getting briefly knocked off-balance by the whirl of old selves.

I figure my only defense is to just immerse myself in whatever the house throws at me, messy as it may feel. Welcome the ghosts. Listen to what they have to say.

Then maybe have a cleansing. Burn sage. Gather friends to bring in new energy. Fill it with music and laughter and new life. And get ready for the selves yet to come.

Hiding Out From Life

Life is too much for me right now. I can't stand to hear about natural disaster devastation, but I can't turn away. The tragedy sinks right into my soul. And lots of smaller losses are piling up around me. Cancer is back with a vengeance in the mother of a wonderful young girl whom I love. A friend is dealing with the complicated death of her father. Friends are moving away. Other friends' lives are moving on in ways mine just isn't. (And riding 73 miles in 90 degree weather probably depleted some of my resiliency this week.)

Why is my life so easy compared to people in earthquake leveled China? How is that right? And why does my life still feel so hard? Life is delicate. Time is short. Make the most of it, right?! I believe that. But I just waste more time feeling guilty that I may not be making the most of mine. What will actually make it be the most? What do I even want? And if I know what I want, how do I get it? Do I even deserve it?

Right now I want more...
more time
more sleep
more freedom (aka more money)
more knowledge
more experience
more direction
more Project Runway
more Nancy Drew skirts to sew
more ice cream

And here's my big question of the moment: How much of what I want has to overlap with my significant other's? What can I compromise? If it is not possible to compromise, then how long do I hang around in the meantime? What do I really want?

I'm not sure. Or I'm not ready to stand up for it. Much less go after it.

So I slowly retreat. Turn inward. Hide out while it all churns in my head. Bury my head in Project Runway or whatever other distraction I can get my hands on.

Not sure when I'll be ready to come back up for air. Might be a while. My only glimmer of hope is that perhaps I'll come out the other side of all this rumination with some sort of brilliant epiphany...

Ride Your Bike to Portland

My next "Life List" item is a go. Last summer was the summer of the triathlon, something I had always wanted to do but never thought I could. This summer it is STP! I blame Laura for setting the standard back when we were 14. Finally it's my turn. I signed up for Team in Training, so there's no backin' out now!

STP is one of those things that I keep thinking will happen for me someday. As if life is something that just happens to me. A few years ago I was waiting for another (much more acheivable) event to happen - seeing Dave Matthews at the Gorge - when in a rare moment of clarity, I asked a friend to go, bought tickets online, and voila - dream achieved. And when Dave spontaneously broke into Blackbird the next year, I had one of those rare moments when there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be.

After that, I looked at these vague ideas of "things I've always wanted to do" little differently, and I started to pull some of them out of idea state into list form:

• See DMB at the Gorge (check)
• Swim across the bay at our cabin (note: Boy Scout Camp on the other side might have something to do with that childhood dream, but check)
• Sew a quilt (with a little help from Mom, but check)
• Knit a sweater (3yr old size, but check)
• Build a bookcase (a garage and one Spring Break later, check)
• Visit Santa Fe (check)
• Triathlon (check, check, and check - warning: some items may become habit forming)
• STP (workin' on it)
• Learn Spanish
• Make gnocci from scratch
• Paint a still life of an eggplant
• Learn to weld
• Fly fish in Montana, hike in Utah Nat'l Parks, surf in Costa Rica, drink wine in Italy... (and a good list of other destination specific adventures)
• Learn to play Blackbird on the guitar (I've always said I could die happy if I could do this, and I'm thinking I should work on it just in case...)

I have a few other dreams that are a little loftier and involved, but it turns out there are many things I want out of life that may actually be achievable. Experiences that I want to become part of who I am. To broaden my experience of myself and the world. And not to be so held back by fear. To get into life and be more of myself.

There is so much we do not have control over in life. But what if we could maximize that which we do have some control over? Who could we be? What could we achieve? (Although, you'd think I'd have gotten to the gnocci by now.)

Next summer? Perhaps Mt Rainier. Because it's just sittin' there waiting. And maybe because my dad always told me it was a giant scoop of ice cream...

This is my life.

Speaking of surprises in life. There are a few things I never thought I could do:

1. Rock climbing.

When I started working with an outdoor education organization, I was just in it for the camping, hiking, and kayaking. those people who climb were cool and hard core. I could never... But I loved the people who loved it. So I tried it. And I won't lie, it was terrifying at first. It's all about trust, and I have some issues in that area. Trust in your belayer, trust in the equipment, trust in your body, trust that observers wouldn't ridicule, etc. But I loved the people who loved it, so I tried it. And despite the difficulties, there was a moment on the first day when I was frustrated and sure I was stuck, but I said "what the hell" and put all my weight on a foot I was sure wouldn't hold me. But it held and I pulled myself up over the face of the rock. It was that moment that I felt my old athletic and strong self that had retreated into deep corners of my rebellious post-adolescent self-destructive self. And the impossible happened, I leapt but didn't fall. So I climb, even if not very well. To be in touch with my strength and my possibility. Me vs. gravity.

2. Triathlons.

I've always had a feeling of awe when I hear "oh, s/he does triathlons." THOSE people are really remarkable. I swam competitively for years (but was never top tier) and I am an avid cyclist, but the one year I did cross country in high school I was THE slowest runner. And I'm not really that into public humiliation. What if I couldn't do it? It wasn't worth the risk to find out. But a friend did one. So I asked a lot of questions and the wheels started turning. Maybe I could be one of those people... The keys were starting VERY slowly and finding the right gear - shorts/pants that don't ride up and a uniboob-proof jog bra. Seriously. I wasn't all that big - size 12/14 when I started, but I had a really hard time finding gear that worked and didn't make me look ridiculous, and that helped me hold back for a long time. Do you hear that, clothing industry? (Thank god for Title Nine, but even they are skewed towards the flat and skinny.) The amazing thing about competing in these races (in addition to my new size 8/10 body) is the connection I feel to my body. I can listen to my muscles and know when to push and when to back off. A lot of the time it is frustrating and hard, but more often than not I am pleasantly surprised. And it always feel worth it in the end.

Big secret: most people could do it if they wanted to. Our bodies are capable and willing to be molded. But don't tell. Part of me likes it when people are impressed.