25 Things

There's a chain-letter like activity spreading like crazy through Facebook called "25 Random Things About Me". When someone sends it to you, you write a list of 25 random facts, habits, or goals about yourself. Then you send it to 25 friends, including the person who sent it you. It's a big online "get to know you" game.

Unlike many other viral fads, most people are actually doing it. Something about the format and the popularity make it worth the effort. I think we want to share ourselves. And there is beauty in the mundane details. Every list I've read has something delightfully surprising about the person and something that makes me feel a little less alone in my "hidden" foibles and neuroses. Here's my 25:

1. My greatest fear is going crazy/losing my mind/losing touch with reality. I honestly worry about it happening to me. And then I panic that I might really make it happen by worrying about it too much...

2. I’ve kept a list of favorite kids’ names since I was 12 (even through my phase when I wasn't sure I wanted kids), but I've started using them on pets (and cars) just in case I never get to use them on kids.

3. I am at my most content on the way back down a mountain with a happy dog at my side.

4. I have always wanted to be a foster parent.

5. I don’t think I like my cats (Oliver and Violet) as much as I should. I take their rejection personally.

6. I take everything personally. Or at least I used to.

7. I hate talking on the phone; I rarely answer it and often don’t call people back (please don't take it personally!).

8. I love Facebook because I can communicate with lots of wonderful people without the pressure of having to actually talk to them. And I love blogging because I can pour my heart out without the immediate risk of judgment or rejection. Yes, I hide behind technology. But I used to just hide, so I see this as major progress.

9. I really enjoy picking my nose.

10. I’ve watched General Hospital on and off for about 15 years, at times taping it daily.

11. I love to sing Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” to my cabins/tents of kids at lights out, but I’m always terrified when I start it. Then they always love it (or at least don’t complain) which gives me faith in sharing your heart.

12. My favorite movie is easily Dirty Dancing. But one of my other favorites, the Philadelphia Story, is the one I usually claim in public.

13. I think there’s nothing in the world like someone sticking up for you.

14. I am often simultaneously confident that I know everything and convinced that I am completely wrong about everything.

15. I usually cry whenever I see someone else tear up. But I often have trouble crying when I am upset.

16. I'll drink champagne for any reason from celebration to misery.

17. My glory days seem to have been breaking summer swim league records as an 8 & under and starring in my middle school musicals. Oh, and winning Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie tickets in a hula-hoop contest at a St. Bridget’s dance in 6th grade - that was rad.

18. What I want to “do” with my life changes weekly, sometimes daily. Currently rotating between school counselor (again), art teacher, and interior designer. Or dream job: children's book author/illustrator.

19. I am very grateful that I love my current job so I have some time to maybe figure out what's next.

20. I wish people would ask me more questions, especially about the challenging things in my past.

21. I’ve been in love 3 times. And still love each of them.

22. I’ve never broken a bone or had a cavity (yet).

23. I’ve always wanted glasses for their fun fashion accessory potential.

24. I am afraid of the dark, and I have to sleep with a light on in the hall.

25. I am a often paralyzed by perfectionism (and typed this list in Word first).

Go ahead, make your own list... everyone is doing it!

Facebook Nation

My newest passion. Virtual social interaction. Now I can be alone, but never alone. (I have 130 friends, tyvm.) There's always something happening with someone on there. Or games to play. Or quizes to take. (Who has a crush on me?) I'm all about social contact from behind the safety of my computer. (Seriously, though. I may be addicted. I think not being able to wait for you browser to refresh your live feed is a warning sign.)

It's a whole new twist on human intimacy. You can share everyday tidbits with a hundred of your closest friends, near and far. People make announcements of big life events, travel, sharing photos of thier kids, relationships... In fact, it seems to have created a whole new ritual around defining relationship. You know a relationship isn't official until your your status says so, and you know it is REALLY over when you change back to "single". (Unfortunately, one of my recent brief relationships never seemed to recover after I tried to show my growing affection by playfully suggesting I change my status to "in a relationship" - apparently he wasn't ready for that kind of virtual commitment!)

My younger "friends" are fun to watch. So much of their daily life is logged... music, plans, friends, health, hilarious videos of nothing and everything. Although some of them really have 500 friends?! Lately, even my 130 seems like a lot to manage, and I'm wondering how awful of a Facebook faux pas it would be to "un-friend" a few people I don't know that well, who I don't need to hear about ALL the time.

Is this really the future of social interaction? Short, sweet, no need for get-to-know-you small talk or conversation filler niceties. It's easy to just make a funny comment about someone's "status" and leave the communication at that. And I feel happy and connected. (Am I shallow?!) For someone who lost touch with a lot of people because I had such a hard time initiating contact with friends when I was depressed, this is a wonderful way to reach out.

But what happens when this is a primary form of communication for kids who then don't have as much of a chance to develop face-to-face social skills with their peers? Texting, email, myspace, etc. does not communicate tone - no matter how many emoticons you squeeze in. (:-P) To say nothing of facial expression, body language, energy, the vulnerable experience of saying how you feel with someone right in front of you - things that are so hard to read no matter how old you are and how much practice you have.

For me, Facebook recently took on a new dimension when an old high school friend announced the death of her brother. Things suddenly got serious. Facebook life and real life merged. But I quickly saw how it can be a forum to communicate and connect about hard things as well - like the CarePages/Caring Bridge web pages have been for several families in my community dealing with cancer. This person mentioned that it seemed like a really personal thing to put on Facebook, but said she didn't have the internal resources to answer individual calls and emails. Maybe this was a wonderful compromise in an impossible situation.

Who knows?! See ya on FB. But quit throwing snowballs at me.


UPDATE: I'm not the only one wondering about "unfriending"!

Change

November 4, 2008. The whole day was electric with energy. People were a-buzz. Parties were brewing. I wasn't up to the big shindig downtown on a school night, so I took the invitation to watch election results at my friend the school librarian's house (and perhaps meet the young single nephew she's always talking about). I was optimistically buying champagne on the way, and the checkers said they were selling it like it was New Years. I think we could feel it happening.

When the official results came in, the choir director/composer in the group jumped on the piano and lead us in a rousing version of God Bless America and a few other patriotic standards. It was probably the first time I ever momentarily let go of the shame I usually feel about the awful things our nation has done and how we continue to treat the people around us.

As you may know, I had been leaning towards Hilary when this all started and thought Obama could use a few more years of experience at the national level. But my heart sang as if I'd known he was the one all along. Especially since the stock market crashed and everything seems grim... we need hope. We need a leader we can look to for wisdom, with natural charisma and magnetism - like what we saw during first speech at the DNC four years ago.

I though his acceptance speech was beautiful and perfect. Greatness happening in front of us. I drank in every word. And the feeling of victory was thick in the air, like we all just won the world series. I heard stories of people flooding the streets downtown so cars couldn't move, but drivers just got out and started hugging people. Amazing.

Justice. Finally someone other than a rich gray-haired white guy prevailed. And though I would never want to undervalue the great struggle that lead to this historic victory, what I love about the election of the first black man to this office is that often I don't even remember that he is black. Maybe that is another luxury of being a member of the dominant culture, but I feel like one of the victories here is that everyone is talking excitedly about Him, his words, his actions, his ideas... our admiration of him is transcending race and identity. It makes me hopeful that there really is a shift happening - towards our differences not being bigger than what we have in common and what we can do for one another.

(Then, of course, my buzz was completely killed the next morning by the news that things like Prop 8 passed... and I was ready to hurl judgment and hatred at people I don't understand all over again.)

What will happen? What can be done, really? Even by this amazing person, in this historic context. Our country is polarized and completely overextended. We need to reel our over-consuming selves way back in. Think small again. Focus on what is tangible. Create and exchange products and services on a local level. Focus on the people right in front of us; notice what they need. Share the burden, while being responsible for our own actions. Agree to disagree on a few things. Decide that getting our way is less important than getting things done. The only hope is if we can all be bigger, more emotionally generous people, right when we are feeling nothing but scarcity around us.

Change has come. It's exciting. But we forget that change is also really hard. Even good change comes with confusion and loss that are really easy to get lost in. Even I let my anger re-cloud my vision the very next morning.

I'm bracing myself.

I'm just glad that I'm moving someplace with a paid-off mortgage and space to grow some of my own food in the backyard. Just in case.

Confessions of a Caucus Dodger

After the last presidential election, I was so disillusioned that I emotionally detached from big picture politics. Really, my country voted for another four years of that?! And apparently I have absolutely no control over this handbasket. So I passively aggressively made jokes about village idiots, and focused on what little good that could be done for the young faces in front of me.

When I heard Obama's speech at the last Democratic convention, I stopped in my tracks. It felt like a real adult finally got a hold of the microphone. It sounded like the leadership I was craving. And it didn't hurt when he was intelligent and charming on Oprah. Meanwhile, we all saw Hilary's big plan the moment she announced her candidacy for the Senate. I was curious about both, but relatively apathetic.

Of the two, I'd take either over what has been going on. But neither is all I really want. Neither will say that being gay is human and that all humans deserve equal rights. Neither is above tearing their fellow party members to shreds. Maybe they really can't and actually get the chance to do any good if they don't play the game. But they can't even try to be above it?

I still wasn't sure which way I was leaning when last Saturday came around. Not enough to stand up for anyone. And I was slightly intimidated because I don't really understand the whole thing. So instead of caucusing, I went on a bike ride, then ate grilled cheese with my niece and nephew. Time well spent, I thought. I left the decision to people who already knew what they wanted. But when I heard Obama won the WA caucuses, I felt an unexpected twinge of disappointment. And guilt for being one of the passive citizens who infuriate me.

I think Hilary has won me over. I love being inspired to see the potential for a better world, and many people I respect deeply are passionate about Obama. But I'm not sure I trust that he knows how to go about making these wonderful changes. Even though her voice sometimes sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, I trust that Hilary hows to get things done within our crazy system rather than wasting more time fighting with congress. Well, and those tears in New Hampshire didn't hurt. Or is it as simple as more easily identifying with a white woman? And perhaps remnants of a childhood dream to be "the first woman president" myself.

And isn't this whole thing a little overdramatized?! Think of what else could be done with those millions and millions of campaign dollars...

White Girl Meets Hip Hop

I went to see a friend of a friend's hip hop group last night. When they started to perform, I couldn't help but giggle that they were white boys from Ballard. But why is that funny? I'm uncomfortable. I feel sorry for them pretending to be something they aren't. They don't fit the urban, oppressed, black hip hop

mold. So their life experience and form of creative expression isn't valid?! But they're good. They are talented, passionate, and look like they are having

a whole lot of fun. Suddenly, I'm jealous because I don't have the guts to break out of my own mold.

I love real hip hop. The rhythm. The energy. The poetry of social justice. (I even love a lot of the crappy grind-up-on-that-... stuff. Don't judge.) But I enjoy it from afar because I feel I don't belong. I'm a white woman from a straight-laced middle class family in North Seattle. Getting dressed for my first exclusively hip hop show (Blue Scholars!) a few weeks ago was stressful. Could I be myself yet still fit in? (I decided a tight fitting hoodie and big hoop earings were the key, btw.) Luckily, it turns out hip hop in Seattle is very diverse. No one cares what you look like - they're too busy enjoying the music. As I should be.

On a continuing quest to chip away at my discomfort with the mystery of racial and cultural difference, I'm reading Black White and Jewish by Rebecca Walker and expecting to learn about a life experience very different from my own. I have; my dad never kept a shotgun by the door in case the Klan came around. But I also read about myself. "Because keeping a part of myself held back is what I've done to cope... opting instead to be partially known, reservedly intimate, I have no idea if I can tolerate what might be a less than accepting response." We have both struggled to untangle pieces of imposed identity while being suspended in the fear of judgement. If we could listen to each other, would we find out that human experience and emotion are universal?

We walk on eggshells when discussing things like race. It's so easy to emotionally trigger someone else without getting the chance to honestly explore what we meant and how it was received. Being familiar with fallout from emotional land mines, my self-preservation instincts tell me to steer clear. But I am no longer comfortable making assumptions about things I have not experienced and don't understand.

I have struggled with identity, perhaps more than many people because of some difficult life circumstances. But I have not struggled with or been made to feel inferior because of my racial identity. I have the luxury of belonging to the comfortable majority. I have recently come to accept that through no fault of my own, I have been led to participate in and benefit from a system of advantage based on race simply by being white in the United States. But now I know. I would be at fault if I continued carelessly from here. So I lean into the fear and try to ask more questions...