The dizzy dancing way you feel...

...when every fairy tale comes real. I've looked at love that way.
-Joni Mitchell (from the song Both Sides Now)

Powerful drug, that first spark of romance.
Happiness startles me awake in the morning.
I don't really need to eat. Except a little chocolate.
I walk around smiling. Catch myself whistling.
I feel generous and patient.
I see human kindness and love wherever I go.
I am full of Hope.

But then, good old Fear starts nibbling away.
Sometimes even jumps out and grabs hold of the whole thing.
If it's good enough to make you dizzy,
it must be too good to be true, you see.
So prepare for the worst.
If you start to attach and depend, you'll have too much to lose.
Protect yourself, it tells me.

...if it hurts don't let them know. Don't give yourself away.

Isn't there a way to live somewhere in the middle? Where you relax and enjoy the fun and possibility of a new connection? My brain knows this, but my heart has been so well trained to defend itself fiercely.

If only we could convince my heart to stay open. No matter what happens, I am bound to at least learn something along the way - if I can hang in there and pay attention. God knows, I could use a little more learnin'.

I really don't know love at all.

Why I Love My Job #163

Third grader Maggie unexpectedly pops her head into my office and says: "I have no idea why I'm running in the hall with no shoes!"

Um. Me neither. Thanks, Maggie.

Once and Again

So, I appear to be dating my boyfriend from 7th grade - again. Or finally. [See disclaimer for liberal use of the term "boyfriend" to describe the previous relationship.] However we want to define it... once upon a time, he was a first toe in the water. A boy I really liked in middle school who I "went out with" twice actually, but wasn't ready or able to do much more than giggle and turn red over.

It all started (this time 'round) on Facebook. He followed the link to my blog and emailed me that he didn't think I should go online for dates because it is "weird and unnatural". I thought this was hilarious - that he had the nerve to say that and because it was feeling completely true as I was trying to do it again. I asked if he had any better ideas. Someone mentioned Thai food. One thing led to another...

The whole thing is a little surreal. But definitely good so far. He is comfortably familiar, and yet new and exciting. We seem to speak the same language, and are making up for that lost phone time. And I appear to be getting guitar lessons out of the deal. :)

I am a little cautious about letting this great story of re-meeting overshadow the actual experience of how we relate, like may have happened when I got swept up in the grand beginning of the Trader Joe's/Craigslist experience. But so far, the connection feels rooted in our present adult selves and parallel life experiences (and having fun), not just novelty or nostalgia. Although the nostalgia is fun, too - once I get past the uncomfortable images of hairspray-plastered bangs and Laura Ashley dungarees.

Best of all, it is satisfying to notice the measurable personal progress that I've made... since I no longer giggle uncontrollably whenever he gets close to me. Though he still has the uncanny ability to make me turn bright red...

Blast From the Past

One of the fun things about Facebook is people from my former lives suddenly falling back in my lap. This has actually been a healing experience for me in many ways. It is really nice to be in constant relaxed contact with people I loved in the past but cut myself off from while I was busy battling my demons.

Most recently, people from the way-back past of elementary school have shown up. People who knew the totally different (and yet so much the same) person I was way before Al Gore even invented the internet are on my computer every day. Among these people is my (still single and still charming) boyfriend from 7th grade. Please note: I use the term "boyfriend" extremely loosely here. As he reminded me - I apparently had a friend call him and say, "She wants to go out with you, but you can't call her." So, as you can probably guess, it didn't go a whole lot further than that. HA! Sorry, my parents seriously frowned on even talking to boys on the phone, and I wasn't willing to risk their disapproval. Even though I really liked him. But I suspect it was also convenient because I was also deathly afraid of him. Ah, pre-adolescent romance.

So I was planning to go to dinner with my 7th grade boyfriend, which was already kind of tripping me out, when low and behold, my 7th grade teacher (who I hadn't seen since the last day of 7th grade) walked in the door of a volleyball game I was coaching at. It turned out that he had an 8th grade daughter on the opposing team. But in the meantime, I was hit by the Twilight Zone reality of being in the presence of my 7th grade teacher... while back at a CYO volleyball game... texting "OMG!" to my 7th grade boyfriend... having just woken up at home in the same house where I lived all this the first time around...

When I said moving back into that house might a healing, full circle kind of experience, how was I to know that could be just the beginning?!

The universe is definitely trying to tell me something. Exactly what I'm not sure. Something still unresolved about my past? Something about karma or fate? Just playing a funny joke?! Or perhaps coming back home after a long hard journey...