A Few Lingering Wild Oats

A couple of weeks ago, my phone rang at 2am on a Saturday night. Having been fast asleep, I was understandably alarmed and disoriented. Doesn't a phone call at 2am mean somebody is in the hospital?

But no. To my surprise, I saw that it was the "I insist I'm not flirting with you while I am blatantly flirting with you in strangely entertaining 7th grade manner" football coach. Who I probably hadn't heard from since this time last year, the season when our paths usually cross for coaching stuff.

Really? That guy? 2am?! I let the call go to voice mail and went back to sleep laughing. Wondering where that came from.

I texted him the next day to ask if the call was an accident or perhaps an end-of-evening attempt to procure female attention, a.k.a. good old fashioned booty call. He responded neither confirming nor denying his intentions. That led to a series of familiarly maddening flirtatious exchanges, during which he again vehemently denied any mutual attraction - even when I very astutely pointed out that if we were in first grade, he would have just pulled my hair and ran away. Hey, you called me, buddy!

So the next weekend when the phone rang late at night, I started laughing before I even saw who it was. Then I accidentally answered the phone while trying to text him to go away. Which led to a hilarious conversation. Which may have lead to him talking his way over to my house... Sorry, curiosity won out. And I was determined to prove that I was right.

And of course he made a move. HA! You don't need to hear the rest of the gory details. But rest assured that I conducted myself like a lady and sent him on his way. Eventually.

I'm still surprised I let that happen. Completely ridiculous. Fun as the banter might be, he is nowhere near what I am looking for. And it was obvious what he was looking for. But strangely enjoyable. For an evening. Chemistry experiment. Living in the moment.

A girl has the right to amuse herself in the meantime, right?!

25 Things

There's a chain-letter like activity spreading like crazy through Facebook called "25 Random Things About Me". When someone sends it to you, you write a list of 25 random facts, habits, or goals about yourself. Then you send it to 25 friends, including the person who sent it you. It's a big online "get to know you" game.

Unlike many other viral fads, most people are actually doing it. Something about the format and the popularity make it worth the effort. I think we want to share ourselves. And there is beauty in the mundane details. Every list I've read has something delightfully surprising about the person and something that makes me feel a little less alone in my "hidden" foibles and neuroses. Here's my 25:

1. My greatest fear is going crazy/losing my mind/losing touch with reality. I honestly worry about it happening to me. And then I panic that I might really make it happen by worrying about it too much...

2. I’ve kept a list of favorite kids’ names since I was 12 (even through my phase when I wasn't sure I wanted kids), but I've started using them on pets (and cars) just in case I never get to use them on kids.

3. I am at my most content on the way back down a mountain with a happy dog at my side.

4. I have always wanted to be a foster parent.

5. I don’t think I like my cats (Oliver and Violet) as much as I should. I take their rejection personally.

6. I take everything personally. Or at least I used to.

7. I hate talking on the phone; I rarely answer it and often don’t call people back (please don't take it personally!).

8. I love Facebook because I can communicate with lots of wonderful people without the pressure of having to actually talk to them. And I love blogging because I can pour my heart out without the immediate risk of judgment or rejection. Yes, I hide behind technology. But I used to just hide, so I see this as major progress.

9. I really enjoy picking my nose.

10. I’ve watched General Hospital on and off for about 15 years, at times taping it daily.

11. I love to sing Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” to my cabins/tents of kids at lights out, but I’m always terrified when I start it. Then they always love it (or at least don’t complain) which gives me faith in sharing your heart.

12. My favorite movie is easily Dirty Dancing. But one of my other favorites, the Philadelphia Story, is the one I usually claim in public.

13. I think there’s nothing in the world like someone sticking up for you.

14. I am often simultaneously confident that I know everything and convinced that I am completely wrong about everything.

15. I usually cry whenever I see someone else tear up. But I often have trouble crying when I am upset.

16. I'll drink champagne for any reason from celebration to misery.

17. My glory days seem to have been breaking summer swim league records as an 8 & under and starring in my middle school musicals. Oh, and winning Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie tickets in a hula-hoop contest at a St. Bridget’s dance in 6th grade - that was rad.

18. What I want to “do” with my life changes weekly, sometimes daily. Currently rotating between school counselor (again), art teacher, and interior designer. Or dream job: children's book author/illustrator.

19. I am very grateful that I love my current job so I have some time to maybe figure out what's next.

20. I wish people would ask me more questions, especially about the challenging things in my past.

21. I’ve been in love 3 times. And still love each of them.

22. I’ve never broken a bone or had a cavity (yet).

23. I’ve always wanted glasses for their fun fashion accessory potential.

24. I am afraid of the dark, and I have to sleep with a light on in the hall.

25. I am a often paralyzed by perfectionism (and typed this list in Word first).

Go ahead, make your own list... everyone is doing it!

Greener Grass Syndrome

When the sky is perpetually gray and the holidays felt like something was missing, I suddenly feel a lot less OK with being where I am in life. Really, single again? Really, still trying to figure out what to do with my life? What is wrong with me? When do I get to be a grown-up?! (In this mood, it does not help that my single thirty-two-year-old self with two cats just moved into my parent's house, whether the parents still live there, or not.)

I hear my little niece once innocently asking, "Where's your family?"

It seems like everyone I know is having babies. Or at least trying. And I am so happy for them. But I also can't help but feel like the train left without me. Not that I'm even ready for all that. But as they enter a different world, there is no way I can completely relate. I'm still trying to imagine what it is like to live with a boy.

And who knows what my life will bring?! Who knows if I'm ever meant to be a mother or even be in just one long-lasting relationship. Who knows how long I will even be around? Maybe this is as good as it gets! Carpe diem!! (A close call with a freak eyebrow plucking tweezers-in-eye incident just gave me renewed appreciation for my sight and health; bear with me.)

On my good days, I'm open to whatever life will bring. I am grateful for my unique path and am happy I still get to look forward to falling in love again. I am confident that I am doing things with my life that uniquely fit my gifts and positively contribute to the world. I am making the most of each effing opportunity for personal growth...

But sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like to be a "normal" thirty-something woman walking around Greenlake complaining about my partner leaving wet towels on the floor and having to religiously monitor my ovulation. As if replacing my issues with a set of more conventional ones might help anything. As if that woman never wonders if she made the right choices and wouldn't trade to be free for a while.

Greener grass syndrome hits again. (I know, I know. Don't compare my insides to others' outsides...)

Pharmaceutical Haiku

Who gets sick five times in one winter? (And it's only January.) It might have something to do with not actually sleeping. And cold, dark, damp gray days in Seattle. And a little physical manifestation of emotional turbulence.

In the meantime, I have discovered a new way to cope during the thick of it (ew, sorry). I had been operating under the assumption that cold and flu symptoms are your body's way of working out the virus, and the best way to combat these illnesses is to rest and to bombard your system with natural immune boosting things like Vitamin C, zinc, ginger, lots o' water, etc. I thought artificially suppressing your symptoms just prolonged the whole thing. But I have come to the end of my rope and am wearing out the sick days.

I will now share with you my delightful new discovery, which you probably knew about all along (in the form of inverse haiku, if there is such a thing).

Ode to Cold Medicine
I did not know about you.
You pack quite a buzz.
How on earth are you legal?

(If it gets me through my day; I'm not asking too many questions.)

Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch (less putting everyone's feelings before my own).
2. Be less of a slave to bad habits (take responsibility for my choices).

Doing pretty well on the first one. Sorry, Donald.

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation

Wow. Snowpacalypse in Seattle. Normally, I love any excuse to stay in PJs and watch movies for days on end. But apparently when it is imposed on me, serious cabin fever/claustrophobia can develop. Especially when trapped in the vortex of childhood memories. There is only so much HGTV I can watch. And even catching up on my favorite TV series (thank you high speed internet), can only distract me from reality for so long. The demons eventually break through. It was interesting.

When I woke up to even more snow falling Christmas Eve and fought visions of being stuck home miserable and alone, I braved the snow to go buy the perfect paint to compliment my new purple wall in the dining room [see before and after].


But it worked out(ish). My parents made it in to the city despite the snow. I managed not to giggle when saying "ass" in front of the whole church. Then survived being stuck in a VW Passat with 5 people (1 with dementia), 1 40 lb dog, 3 pies, 1 violin, luggage and presents for 2.5 hours on the way to Mercer Island via Sea-Tac. Of course, the Xanax helped.

But I got a label maker and got to play Legos on Christmas. So maybe it's all worth it.

Happy Blogoversary

One year ago today, I started wearing my heart on the internet. "High Five" was born... kinda by accident, but it happened (obviously). And it has actually stuck around longer than I thought. Seems to do something for me. I forgot how much I enjoyed writing. Especially when no one is grading it. (Assuming you're not; please don't start now.) It's been all about finding my voice. Taking a risk. Putting it out there.

Who knew the adventures my blog would chronicle over the year? I think the high five story was a great start. And come on, the Trader Joe's/Craigslist saga was made for blog. I survived surprising heartbreak and even more surprising connection. If you told me this time last year that I'd be taking over my parent's house, I would have called you crazy. I wish I had more juicy stories to share lately, sorry. I'm working on it.

The act of writing/posting has had some interesting effects on me life. I've had the regular wrestling match with perfectionism with each post. And have been known to edit old posts when something amiss catches my eye.

But I swear the "no apologies" idea has steadily crept into the rest of my life. Or maybe that was already starting when I decided I should blog. Either way. I'm a little less worried about what people think. A little less worried about being acceptable. A little more WTF; in a very good way. Aren't I getting old and wise?! ('Bout g*d d*mn time.)

Blogging. Was a foreign, outlandish concept. Now feels like a normal way to express myself. Lucky you.

Nesting

Well, I'm settling in. I've had a few "what have I gotten myself into/when do I get to go home" moments, but also, more surprising, "I kinda feel like I'm home" moments. I was right about the ghosts. I still expect to hear the excited barking from Millie and Winnie in the kitchen when I walk in the front door. (Luckily there are two little black cats waiting for me to soften the heart-wrenching blow.) I keep looking at the painting in the hallway expecting to see myself in the mirror that hung there growing up. All the while, I am battling confusion about what is childhood emotion and what is adult reality.

But the stress of the move, the inability to rest until I'm unpacked and settled, feeling the need to decorate for Christmas, and general holiday angst have caught up with me. I've gotten sick twice in two weeks. And having trouble keeping my head above water. One morning I was feeling so tired, sick, discouraged, and trapped that I couldn't stand up long enough to brush my teeth (at which point, I decided it was time to call in sick).

But after a nap, I looked at the bathroom (while finally successfully brushing my teeth), and for some reason, felt compelled to start painting it the mocha/gray I used in the bathroom of my last house that went so well with the dusty purple towels. I may have been influenced by my new 24/7 access to HGTV... And it felt so good. Creative outlet. A fresh start. While the color it was before was fine, I was making it my own. Re-bonding with and claiming the space, one square foot of wall at a time.

It felt so good, in fact, that I decided to see how the red paint leftover from an accent wall in my last house would look on the kitchen wall. Then the other walls. Pretty soon I had a red kitchen. It's kind of a shock. But I like it. It's a tiny little kitchen and the rich color makes it feel cozy and cottage-y.



I feel completely different about those two rooms. Amazing what some paint can do. Now I'm dreaming of a rich tan bedroom and a purpley-mauve dining room wall with a collage of old plates hanging on it...

Prince Charming Works at Home Depot?

What does it mean when your parents want to set you up with their new best friend, the cabinet designer at Home Depot? And you laugh, but think, "Maybe I do need to swing by Home Depot and look for new kitchen hardware..."? Open minded? Or desperate?!

I'm feeling alarmingly OK with being single at the moment. I've had some male attention recently, but my brain is full of other things. So I don't think it is desperation. Do I finally have the full and happy single life I've been looking for? Or am I hiding and/or have I given up hope?

Or perhaps just focusing on other things for the moment. And feeling open but not compelled to force anything.

P.S. I did stop by Home Depot, half to help my parents with design decisions, half to get a look at this new best friend. He was nice, though seemed kind of timid. No big spark. Although, maybe flirting in front of your parents while he is at work would be a little awkward and possibly inappropriate. I may need to stop back by (alone) to look at lighting...

Facebook Nation

My newest passion. Virtual social interaction. Now I can be alone, but never alone. (I have 130 friends, tyvm.) There's always something happening with someone on there. Or games to play. Or quizes to take. (Who has a crush on me?) I'm all about social contact from behind the safety of my computer. (Seriously, though. I may be addicted. I think not being able to wait for you browser to refresh your live feed is a warning sign.)

It's a whole new twist on human intimacy. You can share everyday tidbits with a hundred of your closest friends, near and far. People make announcements of big life events, travel, sharing photos of thier kids, relationships... In fact, it seems to have created a whole new ritual around defining relationship. You know a relationship isn't official until your your status says so, and you know it is REALLY over when you change back to "single". (Unfortunately, one of my recent brief relationships never seemed to recover after I tried to show my growing affection by playfully suggesting I change my status to "in a relationship" - apparently he wasn't ready for that kind of virtual commitment!)

My younger "friends" are fun to watch. So much of their daily life is logged... music, plans, friends, health, hilarious videos of nothing and everything. Although some of them really have 500 friends?! Lately, even my 130 seems like a lot to manage, and I'm wondering how awful of a Facebook faux pas it would be to "un-friend" a few people I don't know that well, who I don't need to hear about ALL the time.

Is this really the future of social interaction? Short, sweet, no need for get-to-know-you small talk or conversation filler niceties. It's easy to just make a funny comment about someone's "status" and leave the communication at that. And I feel happy and connected. (Am I shallow?!) For someone who lost touch with a lot of people because I had such a hard time initiating contact with friends when I was depressed, this is a wonderful way to reach out.

But what happens when this is a primary form of communication for kids who then don't have as much of a chance to develop face-to-face social skills with their peers? Texting, email, myspace, etc. does not communicate tone - no matter how many emoticons you squeeze in. (:-P) To say nothing of facial expression, body language, energy, the vulnerable experience of saying how you feel with someone right in front of you - things that are so hard to read no matter how old you are and how much practice you have.

For me, Facebook recently took on a new dimension when an old high school friend announced the death of her brother. Things suddenly got serious. Facebook life and real life merged. But I quickly saw how it can be a forum to communicate and connect about hard things as well - like the CarePages/Caring Bridge web pages have been for several families in my community dealing with cancer. This person mentioned that it seemed like a really personal thing to put on Facebook, but said she didn't have the internal resources to answer individual calls and emails. Maybe this was a wonderful compromise in an impossible situation.

Who knows?! See ya on FB. But quit throwing snowballs at me.


UPDATE: I'm not the only one wondering about "unfriending"!