The last one was a tortoise that started 20 years ago and never got anywhere. Then it's too fast, too soon, and I jump ship. Apparently.
The Banker could not have been more sweet or interesting or attentive. He made me laugh and made me feel appreciated. But when it all came at me at once, I backed away. Perhaps less than two weeks between romantic entanglements is not enough. Was it rebound? Was it timing? Or do we blame timing when things just aren't falling into place? I was incredibly appreciative of his willingness to put his heart out there. I wish mine could have jumped out to meet it. Maybe it was difference in style and communication. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
It could also be that I am just the problem. A lot is changing around me at the moment, and I've been having kind of a hard time holding it together. I have not been my usual relatively-generous self, and I'm afraid he felt the impact of my angst. In my less-than-patient state, what was once charming became annoying; what was welcomed invitation became imposition. And I didn't handle it so gracefully.
All I know is that when he started eating the Pad See Ew left on my plate and I realized that I wanted those leftovers more than I wanted to be nice and share with him, I knew I was not in a place to be a good partner.
Perhaps a new dating test: if you have trouble choosing between him and the leftovers, let him go. Preferably earlier, rather than later - not after you've tried and failed to change this reality, which did more damage and made a further mess of things. Not that I would know anything about that...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Must Love Dogs
I have discovered a new potential dating perk that I hadn't given enough attention before... a surrogate dog! I haven't been sure that I'm ready to have my own dog, but it turns out I am definitely ready to date a guy with a dog. The Banker's shepherd mix has been the center of many of our favorite activities: walks around the lake, dinners al fresco, hikes in the mountains, trips to the dog park, etc. At just under 50 lbs, she's the perfect size for active adventures, but doesn't take up too much room in my small house. Though I've been careful not to take things too fast with the boy, I have to fight off the impulse to dive right in with the dog. I find myself daydreaming about picking her up and taking her for a run or just hanging out playing fetch while I garden. I freely admit to him that I might be dating him just for his dog. Luckily, he thinks this is funny.
Seeing a dog-owner life up close has got me thinking... and longing. I recently fell instantly, madly, in love with my uncle's new golden retriever, Rosie. And my latent dream of having a golden has been reignited, especially if I can find a small, very sweet young one to rescue. (Let me know if you know of one who needs a home!)
I'm sitting with the idea to make sure I'm really ready. Funny how I sometimes complain about being left behind while everyone else gets married, buys houses, has babies, etc... yet I keep hesitating to even make a canine commitment.
But perhaps it's time to trade some freedom for a little more love in my life.
Seeing a dog-owner life up close has got me thinking... and longing. I recently fell instantly, madly, in love with my uncle's new golden retriever, Rosie. And my latent dream of having a golden has been reignited, especially if I can find a small, very sweet young one to rescue. (Let me know if you know of one who needs a home!)
I'm sitting with the idea to make sure I'm really ready. Funny how I sometimes complain about being left behind while everyone else gets married, buys houses, has babies, etc... yet I keep hesitating to even make a canine commitment.
But perhaps it's time to trade some freedom for a little more love in my life.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Love Him, Love His Snakes?
I would like to put on the record, how incredibly open-minded I am in my dating life. Just in case anyone is tempted to call me too picky or compare me to Goldilocks. I say this because it turns out that other than being nice to grandpas, playing bass, hiking/hugging trees, writing a novel, making me howl with laughter, playing with his amazing dog, etc... the Banker has another little hobby. To which I believe I am being incredibly tolerant, open-minded, and generous.
It turns out he has snakes. Small harmless ones, but slithery little snakes nonetheless.
I have to say he played this one well. He made sure I was pretty well won over by his charming personality and appreciated his many other interests and talents before he broke the news. And he prefaced the announcement with a set-up that I was sure was going to end with "...but we're separated" and/or "she isn't even sure I'm the father". So snakes were actually almost a comical relief.
In an incredibly nerdy kind of way, it is kind of cool. Apparently he has bred and sold them pretty successfully. I appreciate his enthusiasm for the natural world and it's creatures, and I admire his entrepreneurial spirit. But snakes?!
Luckily, he gets that people think it's unusual at best (his own mother calls them "the f***ing snakes"). He assured me that they are actually on the way out, even before I gently made it clear that I, and most women I know, would probably have an very hard time ever spending the night in the same house with his little friends. Not that I'd ever want to ask someone to give up something they love, especially so early in a relationship. But I'm just saying...
It turns out he has snakes. Small harmless ones, but slithery little snakes nonetheless.
I have to say he played this one well. He made sure I was pretty well won over by his charming personality and appreciated his many other interests and talents before he broke the news. And he prefaced the announcement with a set-up that I was sure was going to end with "...but we're separated" and/or "she isn't even sure I'm the father". So snakes were actually almost a comical relief.
In an incredibly nerdy kind of way, it is kind of cool. Apparently he has bred and sold them pretty successfully. I appreciate his enthusiasm for the natural world and it's creatures, and I admire his entrepreneurial spirit. But snakes?!
Luckily, he gets that people think it's unusual at best (his own mother calls them "the f***ing snakes"). He assured me that they are actually on the way out, even before I gently made it clear that I, and most women I know, would probably have an very hard time ever spending the night in the same house with his little friends. Not that I'd ever want to ask someone to give up something they love, especially so early in a relationship. But I'm just saying...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Reasons To Respect Your Elders
Just recently, my 92 year old grandfather was nearly on the brink of being thrown out of his retirement housing because he couldn't get organized enough to pay his rent on time or keep his apartment clean. My grandfather refuses to admit that his age might have any effect on his ability to live (and roam about the city with his walker) completely independently and hates it when people offer him help. He is also a compulsive philanthropist who gave away all of his money, so he's on a pretty limited budget. These traits of determination and selflessness would be quite admirable if they weren't so frustrating in his current situation.
My grandfather was refusing to speak to my parents who have been trying to help, so I took my batting eyelashes and my "Grandpa, don't make me cry!" over to talk some sense into him and lend a hand, if possible. Luckily, he was willing to let me try to help straighten things out.
In order to get a handle on his financial stuff, he took me to sit down with his favorite guy at his bank. This guy (who my parents had already been talking up to me) has been extremely kind and patient with my grandfather and even made him a budget which is printed out in huge font to help him see it, which thoroughly impressed me. He was cute and funny. He asked about my garden when I mentioned it. I was intrigued. So I sent a "thank you" email. He replied, then later found me on Facebook. A few rapid email/Facebook/supposed-grandpa-related exchanges later, we met for a walk around Greenlake and dinner, made out in the car like teenagers, and made plans for more dates.
If I had known that hanging out with my grandpa would have been good for my love life, I probably would have been a much more attentive granddaughter up until now.
My grandpa has his own relatively romantic story. He met and married my grandmother (who went out with him because he had a boat) before he went off to England during WWII (ever the radical, he was actually a conscientious objector/medic). He never considered another woman romantically even after her death in 1994, though he never turns down attention from women. I recently asked him how he knew Grandma was The One and he said "because I fell in love with her". As if it's that easy. Apparently, I didn't inherit his ability to embrace the simple and the obvious when it comes to love. But maybe it's not too late to rub off on me...
My grandfather was refusing to speak to my parents who have been trying to help, so I took my batting eyelashes and my "Grandpa, don't make me cry!" over to talk some sense into him and lend a hand, if possible. Luckily, he was willing to let me try to help straighten things out.
In order to get a handle on his financial stuff, he took me to sit down with his favorite guy at his bank. This guy (who my parents had already been talking up to me) has been extremely kind and patient with my grandfather and even made him a budget which is printed out in huge font to help him see it, which thoroughly impressed me. He was cute and funny. He asked about my garden when I mentioned it. I was intrigued. So I sent a "thank you" email. He replied, then later found me on Facebook. A few rapid email/Facebook/supposed-grandpa-related exchanges later, we met for a walk around Greenlake and dinner, made out in the car like teenagers, and made plans for more dates.
If I had known that hanging out with my grandpa would have been good for my love life, I probably would have been a much more attentive granddaughter up until now.
My grandpa has his own relatively romantic story. He met and married my grandmother (who went out with him because he had a boat) before he went off to England during WWII (ever the radical, he was actually a conscientious objector/medic). He never considered another woman romantically even after her death in 1994, though he never turns down attention from women. I recently asked him how he knew Grandma was The One and he said "because I fell in love with her". As if it's that easy. Apparently, I didn't inherit his ability to embrace the simple and the obvious when it comes to love. But maybe it's not too late to rub off on me...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
He's Just Not That Into You?
The good news is that it wasn't just my neuroses inventing things that weren't going well. The bad news is that things just weren't going.
When we finally acknowledged it, he gave me an earnest "it's not you, it's me/ bad timing/ not ready for a serious relationship right now" explanation. Which I thought was generous. I contend that if he was really that into me, working me into his busy life wouldn't seem so hard. At least for me - even with a full life, I naturally make room for someone I am really excited about. Also, I think that if I was really that into him, I would have been able to be more patient with his process along the way. I had a sinking feeling that he wasn't all that I wanted/needed either. But I liked what it was for the moment and wanted it to last awhile at least. We did have a great time together. And the novelty of our past was so much fun.
I was surprisingly accepting that this wasn't it. My sense of worth is still in tact (I'm still pretty sure I'm a g*ddam catch), and I'm willing to hold out for mutual heads over heals. So the adjustment back to single has begun. With some sadness and loss and permission to act out, of course.
Interestingly, I had another of those strange experiences where I felt like the break-up discussion was one of the best conversations we ever had. Refreshingly honest and caring. But why are we so often only able to connect on that level when saying goodbye? Funny. Regardless, it felt good to part ways on good terms.
And so ends the saga of the 7th grade boyfriend.
So, what's next?!
When we finally acknowledged it, he gave me an earnest "it's not you, it's me/ bad timing/ not ready for a serious relationship right now" explanation. Which I thought was generous. I contend that if he was really that into me, working me into his busy life wouldn't seem so hard. At least for me - even with a full life, I naturally make room for someone I am really excited about. Also, I think that if I was really that into him, I would have been able to be more patient with his process along the way. I had a sinking feeling that he wasn't all that I wanted/needed either. But I liked what it was for the moment and wanted it to last awhile at least. We did have a great time together. And the novelty of our past was so much fun.
I was surprisingly accepting that this wasn't it. My sense of worth is still in tact (I'm still pretty sure I'm a g*ddam catch), and I'm willing to hold out for mutual heads over heals. So the adjustment back to single has begun. With some sadness and loss and permission to act out, of course.
Interestingly, I had another of those strange experiences where I felt like the break-up discussion was one of the best conversations we ever had. Refreshingly honest and caring. But why are we so often only able to connect on that level when saying goodbye? Funny. Regardless, it felt good to part ways on good terms.
And so ends the saga of the 7th grade boyfriend.
So, what's next?!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Dating Life of Goldilocks
So the initial flurry has settled a little, and my first concern/ issue/ reason to freak out came up.
Here it is: I started feeling rejected because I didn't think we were making out enough. Yep. That's it. Apparently, spending time doing things like having fun and actually getting to (re-)know each other wasn't what I wanted after all (even though I would have insisted on that as my ideal scenario). Ideas of how I thought things should be going started in the back of my mind, then grew and grew until I became really concerned and upset.
This, some may remember, is in contrast to the last guy who I was upset with because he wanted to make out with me too much. The guy before that seemed to want to make out with me an acceptable amount, but I was busy complaining about the other ways he should be showing his affection more.
Yes, I see a pattern, thanks. It appears it might not be them.
But I'm pretty sure it's not just that I'm chronically too picky (I hope). As I wade into each new relationship, I keep getting frustrated and hurt because I don't think the guy likes me enough. I think that insecurity can still get the best of me at times. And I start to look a lot like a girl who needs a lot of reassurance.
Interestingly, my biggest/longest relationships have been with people who were thoroughly convinced about how much they liked me from the beginning and had no trouble expressing it. So I was free to relax and be worshiped. But this kept the balance of power in my favor, since I knew I was the one who could walk away more easily. That doesn't sound much like the equal partnership I say that I want. But I'm not sure I know how to trust if I can't guarantee how they feel about me.
My friends want to sign me up for Tough Love, and I'm beginning to think it might be a good idea. The general consensus is that I need to relax and STOP thinking too much. Enjoy what is, rather than constantly looking for what might be wrong. Easier said than done, of course...
Here it is: I started feeling rejected because I didn't think we were making out enough. Yep. That's it. Apparently, spending time doing things like having fun and actually getting to (re-)know each other wasn't what I wanted after all (even though I would have insisted on that as my ideal scenario). Ideas of how I thought things should be going started in the back of my mind, then grew and grew until I became really concerned and upset.
This, some may remember, is in contrast to the last guy who I was upset with because he wanted to make out with me too much. The guy before that seemed to want to make out with me an acceptable amount, but I was busy complaining about the other ways he should be showing his affection more.
Yes, I see a pattern, thanks. It appears it might not be them.
But I'm pretty sure it's not just that I'm chronically too picky (I hope). As I wade into each new relationship, I keep getting frustrated and hurt because I don't think the guy likes me enough. I think that insecurity can still get the best of me at times. And I start to look a lot like a girl who needs a lot of reassurance.
Interestingly, my biggest/longest relationships have been with people who were thoroughly convinced about how much they liked me from the beginning and had no trouble expressing it. So I was free to relax and be worshiped. But this kept the balance of power in my favor, since I knew I was the one who could walk away more easily. That doesn't sound much like the equal partnership I say that I want. But I'm not sure I know how to trust if I can't guarantee how they feel about me.
My friends want to sign me up for Tough Love, and I'm beginning to think it might be a good idea. The general consensus is that I need to relax and STOP thinking too much. Enjoy what is, rather than constantly looking for what might be wrong. Easier said than done, of course...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The dizzy dancing way you feel...
...when every fairy tale comes real. I've looked at love that way.
-Joni Mitchell (from the song Both Sides Now)
-Joni Mitchell (from the song Both Sides Now)
Powerful drug, that first spark of romance.
Happiness startles me awake in the morning.
I don't really need to eat. Except a little chocolate.
I walk around smiling. Catch myself whistling.
I feel generous and patient.
I see human kindness and love wherever I go.
I am full of Hope.
But then, good old Fear starts nibbling away.
Sometimes even jumps out and grabs hold of the whole thing.
If it's good enough to make you dizzy,
it must be too good to be true, you see.
So prepare for the worst.
If you start to attach and depend, you'll have too much to lose.
Protect yourself, it tells me.
...if it hurts don't let them know. Don't give yourself away.
Isn't there a way to live somewhere in the middle? Where you relax and enjoy the fun and possibility of a new connection? My brain knows this, but my heart has been so well trained to defend itself fiercely.
If only we could convince my heart to stay open. No matter what happens, I am bound to at least learn something along the way - if I can hang in there and pay attention. God knows, I could use a little more learnin'.
I really don't know love at all.
Happiness startles me awake in the morning.
I don't really need to eat. Except a little chocolate.
I walk around smiling. Catch myself whistling.
I feel generous and patient.
I see human kindness and love wherever I go.
I am full of Hope.
But then, good old Fear starts nibbling away.
Sometimes even jumps out and grabs hold of the whole thing.
If it's good enough to make you dizzy,
it must be too good to be true, you see.
So prepare for the worst.
If you start to attach and depend, you'll have too much to lose.
Protect yourself, it tells me.
...if it hurts don't let them know. Don't give yourself away.
Isn't there a way to live somewhere in the middle? Where you relax and enjoy the fun and possibility of a new connection? My brain knows this, but my heart has been so well trained to defend itself fiercely.
If only we could convince my heart to stay open. No matter what happens, I am bound to at least learn something along the way - if I can hang in there and pay attention. God knows, I could use a little more learnin'.
I really don't know love at all.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why I Love My Job #163
Third grader Maggie unexpectedly pops her head into my office and says: "I have no idea why I'm running in the hall with no shoes!"
Um. Me neither. Thanks, Maggie.
Um. Me neither. Thanks, Maggie.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Once and Again
So, I appear to be dating my boyfriend from 7th grade - again. Or finally. [See disclaimer for liberal use of the term "boyfriend" to describe the previous relationship.] However we want to define it... once upon a time, he was a first toe in the water. A boy I really liked in middle school who I "went out with" twice actually, but wasn't ready or able to do much more than giggle and turn red over.
It all started (this time 'round) on Facebook. He followed the link to my blog and emailed me that he didn't think I should go online for dates because it is "weird and unnatural". I thought this was hilarious - that he had the nerve to say that and because it was feeling completely true as I was trying to do it again. I asked if he had any better ideas. Someone mentioned Thai food. One thing led to another...
The whole thing is a little surreal. But definitely good so far. He is comfortably familiar, and yet new and exciting. We seem to speak the same language, and are making up for that lost phone time. And I appear to be getting guitar lessons out of the deal. :)
I am a little cautious about letting this great story of re-meeting overshadow the actual experience of how we relate, like may have happened when I got swept up in the grand beginning of the Trader Joe's/Craigslist experience. But so far, the connection feels rooted in our present adult selves and parallel life experiences (and having fun), not just novelty or nostalgia. Although the nostalgia is fun, too - once I get past the uncomfortable images of hairspray-plastered bangs and Laura Ashley dungarees.
Best of all, it is satisfying to notice the measurable personal progress that I've made... since I no longer giggle uncontrollably whenever he gets close to me. Though he still has the uncanny ability to make me turn bright red...
It all started (this time 'round) on Facebook. He followed the link to my blog and emailed me that he didn't think I should go online for dates because it is "weird and unnatural". I thought this was hilarious - that he had the nerve to say that and because it was feeling completely true as I was trying to do it again. I asked if he had any better ideas. Someone mentioned Thai food. One thing led to another...
The whole thing is a little surreal. But definitely good so far. He is comfortably familiar, and yet new and exciting. We seem to speak the same language, and are making up for that lost phone time. And I appear to be getting guitar lessons out of the deal. :)
I am a little cautious about letting this great story of re-meeting overshadow the actual experience of how we relate, like may have happened when I got swept up in the grand beginning of the Trader Joe's/Craigslist experience. But so far, the connection feels rooted in our present adult selves and parallel life experiences (and having fun), not just novelty or nostalgia. Although the nostalgia is fun, too - once I get past the uncomfortable images of hairspray-plastered bangs and Laura Ashley dungarees.
Best of all, it is satisfying to notice the measurable personal progress that I've made... since I no longer giggle uncontrollably whenever he gets close to me. Though he still has the uncanny ability to make me turn bright red...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Blast From the Past
One of the fun things about Facebook is people from my former lives suddenly falling back in my lap. This has actually been a healing experience for me in many ways. It is really nice to be in constant relaxed contact with people I loved in the past but cut myself off from while I was busy battling my demons.
Most recently, people from the way-back past of elementary school have shown up. People who knew the totally different (and yet so much the same) person I was way before Al Gore even invented the internet are on my computer every day. Among these people is my (still single and still charming) boyfriend from 7th grade. Please note: I use the term "boyfriend" extremely loosely here. As he reminded me - I apparently had a friend call him and say, "She wants to go out with you, but you can't call her." So, as you can probably guess, it didn't go a whole lot further than that. HA! Sorry, my parents seriously frowned on even talking to boys on the phone, and I wasn't willing to risk their disapproval. Even though I really liked him. But I suspect it was also convenient because I was also deathly afraid of him. Ah, pre-adolescent romance.
So I was planning to go to dinner with my 7th grade boyfriend, which was already kind of tripping me out, when low and behold, my 7th grade teacher (who I hadn't seen since the last day of 7th grade) walked in the door of a volleyball game I was coaching at. It turned out that he had an 8th grade daughter on the opposing team. But in the meantime, I was hit by the Twilight Zone reality of being in the presence of my 7th grade teacher... while back at a CYO volleyball game... texting "OMG!" to my 7th grade boyfriend... having just woken up at home in the same house where I lived all this the first time around...
When I said moving back into that house might a healing, full circle kind of experience, how was I to know that could be just the beginning?!
The universe is definitely trying to tell me something. Exactly what I'm not sure. Something still unresolved about my past? Something about karma or fate? Just playing a funny joke?! Or perhaps coming back home after a long hard journey...
Most recently, people from the way-back past of elementary school have shown up. People who knew the totally different (and yet so much the same) person I was way before Al Gore even invented the internet are on my computer every day. Among these people is my (still single and still charming) boyfriend from 7th grade. Please note: I use the term "boyfriend" extremely loosely here. As he reminded me - I apparently had a friend call him and say, "She wants to go out with you, but you can't call her." So, as you can probably guess, it didn't go a whole lot further than that. HA! Sorry, my parents seriously frowned on even talking to boys on the phone, and I wasn't willing to risk their disapproval. Even though I really liked him. But I suspect it was also convenient because I was also deathly afraid of him. Ah, pre-adolescent romance.
So I was planning to go to dinner with my 7th grade boyfriend, which was already kind of tripping me out, when low and behold, my 7th grade teacher (who I hadn't seen since the last day of 7th grade) walked in the door of a volleyball game I was coaching at. It turned out that he had an 8th grade daughter on the opposing team. But in the meantime, I was hit by the Twilight Zone reality of being in the presence of my 7th grade teacher... while back at a CYO volleyball game... texting "OMG!" to my 7th grade boyfriend... having just woken up at home in the same house where I lived all this the first time around...
When I said moving back into that house might a healing, full circle kind of experience, how was I to know that could be just the beginning?!
The universe is definitely trying to tell me something. Exactly what I'm not sure. Something still unresolved about my past? Something about karma or fate? Just playing a funny joke?! Or perhaps coming back home after a long hard journey...
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