Balancing My Checkbook

So the most recent Chaos seems to have shoved one last skeleton out into the light. Apparently, my relatively destructive relationship with Money is no longer allowed to stay hidden, most of all from myself.

While growing up in modest surroundings, my sensitive young self somehow got the message that wanting anything was bad. You can't afford it, you've got a lot of nerve to want it, and you don't deserve it anyway (or so the voices tell me).

So after college, little by little, I found a way to reclaim my right to have desires and explored how I want to live regardless of my economic restrictions. Unfortunately, this came at a large price... Credit Card Debt. [gasp!] Sorry, I know we're not supposed to talk about it. Even though I know only two or three people my age who have never had any.

I don't actually regret a whole lot of it. This is how I've learned about what I value and figured how I want to live my life. I explored my needs and desires on my own terms. I set up a household as a single, independent woman. I was able to take advantage of opportunities that I couldn't have otherwise. Honestly, most of that time I had much bigger battles to fight. And now I get to learn how to clean up a nice big mess. I'm sure it won't be the last mess I make.

I think I'm ready to face reality. To no longer act unconsciously. To choose something different. Freedom, hopefully. Admission to a land where real value is valued. And a financial life that has the same integrity I strive for in so many other areas of my life.

I have an opportunity to turn things around, if I'm ready. And getting it out into the open has changed it already.

But can I change the way I see money? I know what I'm supposed to do. Make a budget. And stick to it. But something short circuits when it comes to connecting budgeted spending to actual spending. There is no way to anticipate every expense (nor can I stand a life devoid of the unpredictable parts). And as soon as I feel too restricted, like I'm not allowed to want anything again, I can't breath. So I usually give up. I've used a credit card as a buffer at the end of the month to make up for it. And assumed someday I'd have a real job that makes real money.

So, my new passion is financial planning. And being the nerd that I am... I've read every financial/self-help book I can get my hands on (through the library, of course). Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman are my N.B.F.'s (New Best Friends), and I can't WAIT to get my own Roth IRA! I've developed a new color-coded spreadsheet to budget with. All projected monthly spending is laid out on one page. Then once a transaction actually happens, I enter the specific transaction details and change its color. I can then make small changes in the remaining projected spending as needed. So far so good. Although, it is only the first month still. We'll see.

Let me know if you have any secrets.