Screaming Like a Girl

I've always thought of myself as the kind of girl who is made of sugar and spice but also keeps her cool in the face of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. A thoroughly modern, well-balanced, active, capable young lady, right? But apparently even being of a post-feminist generation with a naturally adventurous spirit only gets you so far when it comes to dead rodents.

Friday night, as I am trying to recover from being sick and prepare for a weekend trip, my friend calls me up in a panic (which immediately makes my heart jump because she is 5 months pregnant). "You have to come over! There is a mouse in a trap under the sink, and I can still hear it moving around..." Her husband, of course, is golfing and not answering his phone (thanks, Josh). The urgency in her voice and my desire to be the kind of friend who will drop everything in a time of need propelled me out the door before I could really think about what I was getting myself into.

I arrived to a frazzled friend, two agitated dogs, and a wooden spoon through the handles of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Luckily, we had established that my role was mostly moral support. Or I may have turned around as soon as we peaked in, screamed a few times, and saw the huge dead mouse body. Aaaahhhh. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

What do you even do with that?! We don't want to deal with that! With great emotional intensity, we brainstormed possible solutions and searched the house for carcass extraction implements... I was very clear on the fact that there needed to be something rigid and opaque for transporting the body from the house (there would be no dead rodent floppiness on my watch). We decided BBQ tongs could be effective, then thrown out. Maybe the gardening hand rake? And maybe hazmat suits.

Finally, using a combination of tongs, broom, and brown paper bag, my friend coaxed the mouse corpse from the back of the cupboard as I screamed at the top of my lungs over her shoulder (aren't I helpful?!). Then tiptoed the bag across the alley to the industrial dumpster (shh).

Didn't retain much dignity, but got the job done.