Confessions of a Caucus Dodger

After the last presidential election, I was so disillusioned that I emotionally detached from big picture politics. Really, my country voted for another four years of that?! And apparently I have absolutely no control over this handbasket. So I passively aggressively made jokes about village idiots, and focused on what little good that could be done for the young faces in front of me.

When I heard Obama's speech at the last Democratic convention, I stopped in my tracks. It felt like a real adult finally got a hold of the microphone. It sounded like the leadership I was craving. And it didn't hurt when he was intelligent and charming on Oprah. Meanwhile, we all saw Hilary's big plan the moment she announced her candidacy for the Senate. I was curious about both, but relatively apathetic.

Of the two, I'd take either over what has been going on. But neither is all I really want. Neither will say that being gay is human and that all humans deserve equal rights. Neither is above tearing their fellow party members to shreds. Maybe they really can't and actually get the chance to do any good if they don't play the game. But they can't even try to be above it?

I still wasn't sure which way I was leaning when last Saturday came around. Not enough to stand up for anyone. And I was slightly intimidated because I don't really understand the whole thing. So instead of caucusing, I went on a bike ride, then ate grilled cheese with my niece and nephew. Time well spent, I thought. I left the decision to people who already knew what they wanted. But when I heard Obama won the WA caucuses, I felt an unexpected twinge of disappointment. And guilt for being one of the passive citizens who infuriate me.

I think Hilary has won me over. I love being inspired to see the potential for a better world, and many people I respect deeply are passionate about Obama. But I'm not sure I trust that he knows how to go about making these wonderful changes. Even though her voice sometimes sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, I trust that Hilary hows to get things done within our crazy system rather than wasting more time fighting with congress. Well, and those tears in New Hampshire didn't hurt. Or is it as simple as more easily identifying with a white woman? And perhaps remnants of a childhood dream to be "the first woman president" myself.

And isn't this whole thing a little overdramatized?! Think of what else could be done with those millions and millions of campaign dollars...